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spartan1204    14

Wendy was born to a middle class family with loving parents and her twin sister Abigail. The two twins were very intelligent for their age, usually surpassing most of the other students in their grade, especially in literature, and occasionally they even outsmarted their teachers.

 

The two did everything together: from going to school, sharing each other's secrets, and going on small adventures. They wandered through nearby caves and traveled through local forests, until one day Wendy and Abigail found two very mysterious flowers, one was reddish with dozens of petals; the other was blackish with a mix of pink. Wendy put the red one into her bag because she thought it looked interesting. Later when the sisters were examining the other mysterious flower, Abigail decided to reach out and pick the blackish flower; however something very strange started to happen when she got closer. Abigail started to feel weak and dizzy. Wendy quickly pulled her away from the flower, but they landed on top of Wendy’s bag. Then the red flower started to glow bright pink and suddenly Abigail started to feel better. Later that day, long after the twins were tucked away in bed, petals, similar to the ones on the mysterious red flower, grew on the top of Wendy’s and Abigail’s head. Unfortunately not too long after the adventure, Abigail contracted an unknown illness that left her bound to a wheelchair. Even though Abigail was the one with the disability, she was always the more courageous one. She acted like there were no obstacles in her way to stop her from pursuing her dreams. Abigail pushed Wendy to be as bold as her, for Wendy was a little shy in front others. Wendy never raised her hand in class to promote her ideas, much to Abigail's frustration. Abigail sometimes got so annoyed with Wendy for not speaking out that she would reach for her hand, raise it up high into the air and yell, " Wendy wants to answer!" Sometimes Wendy would answer, other times she would feel embarrassed and slowly bring her hand back down. Abigail did this because she knew Wendy had brilliant ideas that she should share with the world.

 

Tragically, Abigail died from her disease in her early teen years. All of her closest friends and family members attended her funeral. Wendy broke down into tears as her sister descended into the cold dirt. She stayed, long after everyone else left, kneeling down before her sister's grave; she broke down sobbing wondering what her life would be like without Abigail.

 

Wendy was never the same after that, she stopped going on adventures and her grades began to plummet. Wendy suffered sleepless and restless nights, believing her sister's death was her fault. The few nights she did manage some sleep haunted her. Terrible nightmares of a tortured and chained Abigail calling out to her, wailing at her, questioning why it was Wendy who was spared this cruel fate and ghostly demons swirling around both of them whispering “the grave, the grave, dig up the grave” as they got closer to Wendy with each dream. Distressed, one night Wendy decided to go to Abigail's burial site and dig her up. Wendy snuck out of her home with a shovel and ventured toward the cemetery. The night was dark and foggy, but it had a moon, round and bright. Wendy slowly meandered through the musty cemetery making her way to her sister's final place of rest. Once she came upon Abigail's grave, she twirled and twitched the shovel handle in her hands apprehensively as the grim reality of the deed she came here to do set in. It wasn't as hard as she imagined, lifting the still loose dirt off her sister's coffin. Funny, it seemed almost as if the casket wanted to be unearthed, almost as if it were calling to her, Abigail still longing to be reunited with her sister down in those murky depths below. Wendy stood before the dingy and sullen wood of her sister's tomb, still cold and damp with soil. Slowly Wendy opened her sister’s coffin; she saw the face of her deceased sister still beautiful and healthy with her blonde hair still bright and clean. Suddenly from her corpse, a ghost arose, glowing bright white, it was Abigail. Wendy knew it was Abigail, she knew it because the moment the two locked eyes, Wendy felt a connection, the connection that she felt when she was with Abigail.

 

At first Wendy was startled, only able to stare at her sister. Finally words came from Wendy's mouth, “Abigail, I'll bring you back, I promise, and if I fail--" Abigail stopped her as if to say, "You won't." For the first time since Abigail's passing, Wendy felt a small glimmer of hope, small as it was, it still was there deep inside her soul. Then Abigail then proceeded to give Wendy a magical flower, the same red flower that they found months earlier, and saying that she will be with Wendy -- Always. Suddenly it seemed as if Abigail was sucked into the flower. Wendy then put the flower in her pocket to keep it safe.

 

Wendy then proceeded through the fog to go home. On her way back home Wendy was stopped by a tall and thin man wearing a suit. His complexion was ghastly pale and his shadow seemed to ensnare and confine Wendy as it began to overshadow her while in his presence.

 

“Well hello there, Wendy”, the man said

 

“Who are… How did you-”

 

“Oh my apologizes, my name is Maxwell and I happened to get a chance of watching you talking to your little ghost friend back there."

 

"That's none of your business! Now, if you would excuse me…," said the blonde girl beginning to walk passed the tall pale stranger.

 

"I know you want to bring her back"

 

Wendy froze and slowly turned to the stranger, "What did you say?"

 

A smile creeped through Maxwell's face, "I said I know that you want to bring your little friend back, I would also like to add that I can help you with that."

 

"Help? How?!"

 

"Oh, but you must first do me a favor.” Maxwell reached into his suit “And that would be…?”

 

“Well you just need to turn on a machine at this location”, Maxwell then pulled out a map and pointed to a red circle marked on it, “and in return I'll turn friend back into a human… Deal?” Wendy slowly approached the Maxwell and then snatched the map from his hand. Wendy examined the map and thought for a second,

 

"You promise to bring my sister back?"

 

"I promise," Maxwell then brought out his hand

 

Wendy hesitantly reached out and shook the man's hand, it was long and felt cold and dry.

 

“Excellent…” he slowly backed into the fog.

 

“But wait, what do I do after turning on the machine?” Wendy asked, but the man had already disappeared. Wendy scratched her head for a moment as no answer returned her call. She shrugged, and with map in hand, she decided to make her way to the machine foretold in the map.

 

“I promised her that I would bring her back, back to my world, and I won’t let her down””, she whispered to herself.

 

When she finally arrived at her destination, she saw an abandoned house with a stone walk way, surrounded by a fence, in the middle of the forest. There was a sign just barely attached to the fence, but the letters on it were too worn out to read.

 

“ Why would that man bring me here?” she whispered to herself As she approached the derelict building she began to notice the house had cracked windows, broken tiles, and vegetation begin to crawl down the walls. She pensively opened the front door; she could see shadows skittering across the floor as the heavy moonlight creped its way into the old musty and grubby house. Once inside she immediately heard a noise, a mechanical noise, which seemed to originate deep within the house somewhere. She knew that she was looking for a machine, but Wendy had no idea what the machine exactly is. She began searching every room becoming more anxious with each step, she could hear the sound getting louder but it only seemed to lead to dead ends. Most of the rooms were filled with books, dust, and spiders. Desperate Wendy started looking at the map for clues, looking at it all types of angles, flipping it, turning it, and folding it. Then just when she was about to give up she starts heard another sound coming from directly above her, suddenly a plank of wood and dust falls down from the ceiling. Wendy dodged just in time, and as the dust began to settle in the room, she spied a ladder leading to what she assumed to be the attic. She then apprehensively continued up to the attic. The room looked like a laboratory filled with all types of science related equipment, in particular a giant behemoth of a machine in the corner. In addition there were a few cages filled with dead mice, old and abandoned beakers and tubes that had held odd and mysterious chemical concoction, along with a thick layer of dust filling the space. "Well isn't that delightful" Wendy muttered to herself. Wendy then felt a gust of wind pour through the room and with the map started to burn with a blackish flame. Wendy, seeing all this, was startled and immediately dropped it on to the floor. The map writhed on the floor, smoldering, until only ash remained. Another gust of wind blew away part of the ash seeming to try to spell something, eventually revealing the words, “Throw the Switch”, and had an arrow pointing at the large imposing mechanical structure. Wendy began to really examine what she was being guided to and it was like nothing she had ever seen before. "Should I really be doing this?" Wendy whispered to herself as her eyes darted across the machine, in particular the lever that was calling out to her, what that odd man had told her to pull. Unexpectedly a whisper came to Wendy's ear, "This it...” it sounded like Abigail, Wendy then quickly turned around, no one was there. Wendy then fixated on the switch again, determined, she closed her eyes as she threw the switch. Suddenly from the ground came large monstrous hands cast in shadow, grabbing, grasping, and gaping at her. She couldn't escape. They surrounded her, smothered her, and engulfed, she just felt herself rushing off somewhere. To where, she couldn't say, but just the feeling of movement and motion surrounded her in the blackness that had doused her eyes, but right before she blacked out she saw Maxwell waving at her and saying, "See you on the other side..."

 

Wendy slowly opened her eyes, wondering if it was all just a dream. To her dismay, she found herself in the wilderness filled with strange animals of all sorts. She was stranded, lost in an unfamiliar land. She looked around until she spotted Maxwell.

 

“Say, pal, you look like a mess," Maxwell said while sitting a rock with a cigar, "Stupid little girl, haven't your parents taught you anything about strangers?”

 

“Where’s Abigail?! Where have you taken me you uncouth knave”, Wendy shouted as she charged at Maxwell, but right before she reached him, he vanished.

 

“So naïve, you still have so much to learn”, Maxwell said as he reappeared behind Wendy.

 

“What do you want from me!?” Wendy yelled as she sprinted towards Maxwell again, and again he vanished right before she reached him.

 

“I wouldn't waste my energy if I were you”, Maxwell said as he once again reappeared behind Wendy, brandishing a devilish sneer, “I mean… you have a long day ahead of you. After all, I'd hate to see you starve out here”

 

“What are you?” Wendy said breathlessly

 

"That's not what matters, but what does matter is that I've decided I want to play a little game with you, pal. The game is very simple; all you have to do is not starve! That's all," he jeered “You…! You monster!”

 

Smiling, “That’s not a very nice word to call your host, now is it?”

 

Making one last attempt, Wendy charged at Maxwell with all her might, but like before he vanished before her eyes. However this time he reappeared just within touching distance behind her, scaring Wendy as he towered over her.

 

“You got some fight in you, don’t you?” examined Maxwell, “Let’s change that…” Maxwell proceeded to tap Wendy on the forehand. It felt like her forehead was burning. Black smoke came out of her forehead. Wendy then began to feel dizzy, like the world was twisting and turning around her before she collapsed on the ground.

 

Maxwell then walked up to her and whispered "Sweet Dreams… Wendy" as she passed out.

 

The next day Wendy woke up feeling very weak with the addition of not remembering much of what had happened, like how she got here or what happened before. All she remembered was who she was, her dead sister Abigail, and the man responsible for her being here. However she some what felt different inside, she no longer felt like that hopeful girl that she was earlier, but instead she now felt saddened in a way.

Edited by spartan1204
Fixing the story
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Dracas    10

Needs editing, I found so many grammatical errors and odd sentences I had trouble counting them. The line "However Abigail died from the dies in her early teen years." in particular shows just how confusing some of your lines are. I'd also suggest changing what Maxwell gives Wendy. From what we've seen the Maxwell device is a very large device, even in Raven's version. You could fix this by having Maxwell give Wendy a map to Wilson's house where she would find the device and activate it.I'd say your story has some real potential, but really needs refinement.

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Willette    3,670

Needs editing, I found so many grammatical errors and odd sentences I had trouble counting them. The line "However Abigail died from the dies in her early teen years." in particular shows just how confusing some of your lines are. I'd also suggest changing what Maxwell gives Wendy. From what we've seen the Maxwell device is a very large device, even in Raven's version. You could fix this by having Maxwell give Wendy a map to Wilson's house where she would find the device and activate it.I'd say your story has some real potential, but really needs refinement.

...is your avatar a pony version of Wilson? Also, yeah, that line got me too XD died from the dies... Wut :3

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spartan1204    14

Needs editing, I found so many grammatical errors and odd sentences I had trouble counting them. The line "However Abigail died from the dies in her early teen years." in particular shows just how confusing some of your lines are. I'd also suggest changing what Maxwell gives Wendy. From what we've seen the Maxwell device is a very large device, even in Raven's version. You could fix this by having Maxwell give Wendy a map to Wilson's house where she would find the device and activate it.I'd say your story has some real potential, but really needs refinement.

Fixed it, let me know if you spot anymore mistakes.

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Dracas    10

You really need to break up you paragraphs much more and almost every point where you used an ellipsis would work better and look more professional with a comma or normal period. Also, more descriptive text would do your story good, especially if you ever plan to show it outside of this sight since not everyone knows what Wendy and Maxwell look like. Even if you never plan to move this story beyond this forum, a description of Wendy, Abigail, Maxwell from Wendy's view and a few bit of scenery would help this story pop.You do also do a lot of showing (such as simply telling us the sisters had a loving family and that they played together) while telling would greatly improve our investments as readers. I doubt I'm the only one who wanted to see Wendy interacting with Abigail when both were alive, happy, and not obsessed with death.You'd probably be able to catch several of your lingering cases of grammar and missing words by reading your story out loud, trust me it helps.Sorry if I'm obsessing over your story a bit, but since my goal is to be a writer having just finished a class on writing short stories, I'm still geared to scanning, correcting, and editing everything I read.And yes Willette, I am a pony Wilson

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Lexicroft    77

..............post-23254-13764593764431_thumb.jpgWell done... Great Story! Marvelous!Now...post-23254-1376459376487_thumb.jpgMay I reward you with steak and carrots?post-23254-13764593765461_thumb.jpg

Edited by Lexicroft

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Doctor H. Derp    283

Hello Spartan1204,

Look, I'm fairly harsh in my critiques, and I don't pull punches. Why? Because the only way I got better as an artist was through people going out and tearing my artwork apart, bit by bit, showing no mercy. It feels good to revel in people telling you how wonderful your artwork is, but we all have room for improvement, especially if this is something you want to get great at. Whatever your goals may be, I'm putting my critique in spoiler tags making my critique completely optional to read. If you want to read it, it's there, if not, never been easier to skip on by. I don't write this to be mean, I'm doing this in an effort to help you get to a greater plateau of writing if and only if you want my feedback. The choice is yours whether or not to take my edits to heart, let alone venture forward and read my critique.

Kid gloves come off this point forward. Last chance to turn back if you think you can't take criticism.

Key:

Original Text = grey

Edits = red

Commentary = (blue)

Wendy was born to a middle class family with loving parents and her twin sister Abigail. The pair/two/twins/sisters(stating their names again like you had it is redundant and messes up sentence flow.) were geniuses at school surpassing every student and occasionally outsmarting the teachers.(Feels like we might be on the road toward building a Mary-sue. Wendy, in game, seems like she's pretentiously moderately read, not that she's super smart like a genius or a prodigy of some sort.) The two did everything together from going to school, sharing each other's secrets, and going on small adventures. They wandered through caves and traveled through local forests. Unfortunately Abigail suffered from an illness that left her bound to a wheelchair.(The edit makes it punchy, concise, and doesn't dull the emotional impact of having that bit of information broken into 2 sentences.) This did not stop to two from playing games together, this got Abigail's mind off her disability and it was fun.(You already established they played together prior when they were going off into the woods and through caves all the while Abigail was disabled. If you're trying to say they did all that before the illness and after Abigail recovered somewhat, that disability didn't dent their relationship, okay fine, but you didn't make that very clear and this sentence I put a strike through doesn't help on establishing that clarity. You'd need to spend a paragraph going through Abigail's disease and her recovery and so on, so forth.) Even though Abigail was the one with the disability, she was always the more courageous one. She acted like there were no obstacles in her way to stop her from pursuing her dreams.(If it is just a singular dream, then that denotes far more importance than just simply strolling by as you just did with the mention of said dream and leaving it at that.) Abigail pushed Wendy to be as bold as her, for Wendy was a little shy in front others. If it wasn't for Abigail Wendy might never have any friends.(Awkward placement of this sentence.) Wendy never raised her hand in class to promote her ideas, much to Abigail's frustration. Abigail sometimes got so annoyed with Wendy for not speaking out that she would reach for her hand, raise it up high into the air and yell, " Wendy wants to answer!" Sometimes Wendy would answer, other times she would feel embarrassed and slowly bring her hand back down.(That last sentence was badly garbled) Abigail did this because she knew Wendy had brilliant ideas that she should share with the world.

Tragically(more powerful and varied word usage) Abigail died from her disease in her early teen years. All of her closest friends and family attended to her funeral. Wendy cried as her sister descended into the cold dirt.(The word "cold" is more emotional in this instance and gives the reader a feeling to latch onto as they go along.) She stayed, long after everyone else left except her parents,(Unnecessary information and even takes away from the emotional impact of leaving Wendy ALL alone.) and kneeling down before her sister's grave, she broke down sobbing wondering what her life would be like without Abigail. Wendy was never the same after that, she stopped going on adventures and her grades began to plummet. Wendy suffered sleepless, restless nights, believing her sister's death was her fault. The few nights she did manage some sleep haunted her. Terrible nightmares of a tortured and chained Abigail calling out to her, wailing at her, questioning why it was Wendy who was spared this cruel fate. Distressed, one night Wendy decided to go to Abigail's burial site and dig her up.(Lolwut? What drove her to that conclusion?) Wendy snuck out of her home with a shovel and ventured toward the cemetary. The night was dark and foggy with a moon, round and bright.(How can the night be both dark and bright? A full moon makes the night fairly bright even with fog.) Wendy slowly meandered through the musty cemetery making her way to her sister's final place of rest. Once she came upon Abigail's grave, she twirled and twitched the shovel handle in her hands apprehensively as the grim reality of the deed she came here to do set in. It wasn't as hard as she imagined, lifting the still loose dirt off her sister's earthly remains. Funny, it seemed almost as if the casket wanted to be unearthed, almost as if it were calling to her, Abigail still longing to be reunited with her sister down in those murky depths below. Wendy stood before the dingy and sullen wood of her sister's tomb, still cold and damp with soil. Slowly(That was depressingly sad. Look at this wonderful opportunity to really get the reader involved with Wendy's demented antics right here squandered in your original version. You have to lead the reader to be practically behind Wendy's shoulder as she's going about her business. You're just listing what's happening, passionless, like a dossier. "This happend", "then this happened", "then that happened". Augh, so bland. Have some fun with this really get into it with rich descriptions and what not.) Wendy opened her sister’s coffin, she saw the face of her deceased sister still beautiful and healthy with her blonde still bright and clean. Suddenly from her corpse, a ghost arose glowing bright white, it was Abigail.(How does Wendy know? It could be a demon or something possessing Abigail's body. Again, another opportunity squandered to really get in some nice story telling.) At first Wendy was startled, but slowly and pensively she began to reach for Abigail and Abigail returned her gesture(redundant word choices), Wendy was in awe being reunited with her Abigail, but suddenly Wendy felt a pull. A mysterious force had stopped them. Wendy’s hand felt a burning sensation like she had never felt before each and every time she extended her hand toward her twin, the pain unbearable.

“Abigail”, Wendy said, “ I'll bring you back, as a human,(goes without saying) I promise, and if I fail --" Abigail stopped her as if to say, "You wont." For the first time since Abigail's passing, Wendy felt a small glimmer of hope, small as it was, it still was there deep inside her soul, and as quickly as her appearance, Abigail, flickered then faded away.

Abigail nodded in agreement and sent Wendy on her way home before disappearing.(Unnecessary clutter get all that relevant information combined into the next sentence with a single word, "home".) On her way back home Wendy was stopped by a tall and thin man wearing a suit. His complexion was ghastly pale and his shadow seemed to ensnare and confine Wendy as it began to overshadow her while in his presence.

“Well hello there, Wendy”, the man said

“Who are, How did you--

My apologizes, pal, my name is Maxwell”, the man said “(unnecessary break)and I happened to chance watching you talking to your little ghost friend-thing back there."(Maxwell is far more condescending and flippant than how you're writing him right now.)

"I was talking to my sister Abigail, I'm going to try to bring her back to life."(Apparently Wendy is not put off at all that there was a creeper watching her while she was communing with the dead. She's not even worried about getting ratted out to the local authorities and getting charged with grave robbery or something at all. Nope, apparently Wendy is/feels more than comfortable with creepy old men in suits in the dead of night just watching her defile graves. Not only that, but why would she volunteer this kind of information to a complete stranger. I thought she was supposed to be shy? Why would she just come out and speak to this total creeper? This is just poorly written.)

"Well then let me help you, but you must first do me a favor.", said the man as he reached into his suit

“And that would be?”(Why is Wendy not running for the hills? Maxwell has not given her any reason to trust him. I thought this character was supposed to be a "genius", brightest of her class, no more than 2 paragraphs ago? She's not acting very smart right now, not considering the circumstances she's in.)

“Oh, well you just need to turn on a machine at this location”, handing Wendy a map, “ and in return I'll bring your little friend back to this mortal plane… Deal?” Wendy examined the map and thought for a second, then she shook the man’s long and cold hand.(Best of her class? I think not.)

“Excellent…”, grinning as he slowly backed into the fog.

“But wait, what do I do once I reach there?” Wendy asked, but the man had already disappeared.

Wendy scratched her head for a moment as no answer returned her call. She shrugged, and with map in hand, decided to make her way to the machine foretold in the map.

“I promised her that I would bring her back, back to my world, and I wont let her down”, she whispered to herself(She's supposed to be a genius. She should should know she's firing a shot in the dark with this sketchy plan she just got from this shady dude. She wouldn't even think this would work, but that desperate times call for desperate measures, what's the worst that could possibly happen?)

When she reached the location she saw an abandoned house with a stone walk way surround by a fence and multiple trees. There was a sign just barely attached to the fence faintly reading, "Gen us N Wor".

“Why would that man bring me here?”

Wendy then proceeded to the house. The house had cracked windows, crow nests(the house had the crow nests? Or the surrounding area?), broken tiles, and overgrown vegetation. She slowly opened the front door, she could see shadows skittering across the floor as the heavy moonlight forced it's way into the old musty house. Once inside she immediately heard a noise, a mechanical noise, that seemed to originate from upstairs. She began searching every room, nothing.(Every room? You could at least direct the reader by describing how she nervously crept up the steps toward the sound instead of just leaving us hanging.) Most of the rooms were filled with books. There was one room that stood out, it had a picture of what seemed to be a father and a mother with a boy, they all had spiky hair.(Significance...? Why is this painting important? How does Wendy know it's important?) Desperate Wendy started looking at map for clues, looking at it all types of angles. She even tried burning it to see if it had any secret messages, but the material the map was made out of seemed to be inflammable.(Why would she try to burn the map? What?) Then when she was about to give up she found a ladder leading to the attic.(What? She just finds it? What a cop out. How does she find it? Why didn't she find it before? She's supposed to be a genius, right? A genius does not get stumped on simply not seeing a ladder leading up to the attic, the ladder is hidden and they stumble across it or something. They just don't happen to find it with no description of how they didn't see it in the first place.) The attic looked like a laboratory filled with all types of equipment and chemicals.(Odd distinction with chemicals. I know you're trying to make it sound "science-y" but it just sounds odd, "equippment and chemicals".) Suddenly the map started to burn with a blackish flame,(Out of no where the map just combusts? Why? Better yet, why did Wendy expect it to combust earlier? Maps just don't combust.) forcing Wendy to drop it. Once the flames cooled, it revealed words saying, “Throw the Switch on the Machine”, and had an arrow pointing at the large structure in the room. Wendy then flipped the switch.(Remember, this is supposed to be a genius here. I can't keep rewriting every little bit of these sentences for you, but just so you know, a genius would at least be a LITTLE, just a LITTLE, nervous about all of the goings on that just happened around her.) Suddenly from the ground came large monsterous hands cast in shadow, grabbing, grasping, and gaping at her. She couldn't escape. They surrounded her, smothered her, and engulfed, she just felt herself rushing off somewhere. To where, she couldn't say, but just the feeling of movement and motion surrounded her in the blackness that had doused her eyes. The only thought that went through Wendy’s mind was fear; the fear of failing her promise; the fear of never seeing her parents again; the fear of dying,(Wendy is so out of character in this fanfic. She's even out of the character you set for her.) then it all went dark.

Wendy slowly opened her eyes, wondering if it yesterday night was all just a dream, she was wrong. To her dismay, she found herself in the wilderness filled with strange animals of all sorts, stranded, lost in an unfamiliar land. She looked around until she spotted Maxwell.

Say, pal, you look like a mess," Maxwell said while sitting in quite a luxurious, yet out-of-place considering the surroundings, looking chair sipping(this is supposed to be Maxwell. He wouldn't sit on a rock if he could help it.), "Funny thing taking help from strangers, eh, pal?

“You uncouth son of a harlot!”,(Supposed to be a genius. Supposed to be Wendy.) Wendy shouted as she charged at Maxwell, but right before she reached him, he vanished.

“So naïve, you still have so much to learn”, Maxwell said as he reappeared behind Wendy.

“What do you want from me!?”Wendy yelled as she sprinted towards Maxwell again, and again he vanished right before she reached him.

“I wouldn't waste my energy if I were you”, Maxwell said as he once again reappeared behind Wendy, brandishing a devilish sneer, “I mean, you have a long day ahead of you. After all, I'd hate to see you starve out here, pal.

“What are you?” Wendy said breathlessly.

"That's not what matters, but what does matter is that I've decided I want to play a little game with you, pal. The game is very simple, all you have to do is not starve! That's all," he jeered, "And not to worry you’re not alone. I brought your little friend-thing here too.”

“What? ...Abigail?! She's here?! What have you done with her?!”

“Don’t worry you’ll find her,” Maxwell said, smiling and waving goodbye as he began to fade away, "or maybe... she just might find you."

I know that was brutal, but the honest truth is that this is a good first effort. Use this as a way to push you toward better writing. There's a lot of people in this world that are too kind to tell you where your weaknesses are, and they're wonderful people, each and everyone of them, but if all you ever do is surround yourself with those voices you will never see your literary flaws and you'll never know what to change and fix.

I wish you luck in your endeavors and I hope to see your next work and I hope you strive to make something truly wonderful if not then, sometime in the future. Best wishes and congratulations if you made it this far.

Edited by Doctor H. Derp
Again, so much forum code. Augh. That and typos. Lots of typos.

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Needs editing, I found so many grammatical errors and odd sentences I had trouble counting them. The line "However Abigail died from the dies in her early teen years." in particular shows just how confusing some of your lines are. I'd also suggest changing what Maxwell gives Wendy. From what we've seen the Maxwell device is a very large device, even in Raven's version. You could fix this by having Maxwell give Wendy a map to Wilson's house where she would find the device and activate it.I'd say your story has some real potential, but really needs refinement.

Agreed - try doing a spellcheck/grammarcheck.It's funny because spellcheck/grammarcheck is grammatically incorrect.

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Dracas    10

You might want to change that shade of blue Doctor Derp, I'm trying to read your critique to help construct my own for Spartan's latest draft and I'm finding your commentary to be nigh unreadable.

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nic572    10

thats neato your going to be a writer !? id buy your books if i had the chance.. im interested in knowing what youll be talking about.. by the way.. i dont see how your avatar looks like pony wilson

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Lexicroft    77

Hello Spartan1204,

Look, I'm fairly harsh in my critiques, and I don't pull punches. Why? Because the only way I got better as an artist was through people going out and tearing my artwork apart, bit by bit, showing no mercy. It feels good to revel in people telling you how wonderful your artwork is, but we all have room for improvement, especially if this is something you want to get great at. Whatever your goals may be, I'm putting my critique in spoiler tags making my critique completely optional to read. If you want to read it, it's there, if not, never been easier to skip on by. I don't write this to be mean, I'm doing this in an effort to help you get to a greater plateau of writing if and only if you want my feedback. The choice is yours whether or not to take my edits to heart, let alone venture forward and read my critique.

Kid gloves come off this point forward. Last chance to turn back if you think you can't take criticism.

Key:

Original Text = grey

Edits = red

Commentary = (blue)

I know that was brutal, but the honest truth is that this is a good first effort. Use this as a way to push you toward better writing. There's a lot of people in this world that are too kind to tell you where your weaknesses are, and they're wonderful people, each and everyone of them, but if all you ever do is surround yourself with those voices you will never see your literary flaws and you'll never know what to change and fix.

I wish you luck in your endeavors and I hope to see your next work and I hope you strive to make something truly wonderful if not then, sometime in the future. Best wishes and congratulations if you made it this far.

Wow, this man spoke all that I want to speak off

That pic I post

Did you notice that Wendy is a bit sarcastic? that like when people tell something that maybe a bit off what she know (the really truth) but keep it secret because it can disturb the flow

In my mind, Wendy is now like "I know what I'm doing, I know this happen because I deal with mr. maxwell, it's okay... all things in world is not permanent, I accept it" (that's why she always saying everything will die/perish in the end)

Not like wilson, Wendy isn't trying to escape from maxwell world, she is more like to accept it and endure it not endure... more like exceeding the world with her mind, like when you do something wrong and then you learn from it and live with it.

She is ma gurl , strong gurl, do and act like grown up! She isn't victim , she is survivor.

That's why I always pick her although some say she is useless beefalo manure, she has strong heart inside

Edited by Lexicroft

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Doctor H. Derp    283

You might want to change that shade of blue Doctor Derp, I'm trying to read your critique to help construct my own for Spartan's latest draft and I'm finding your commentary to be nigh unreadable.

You're right, it's completely illegible. It looks different finished then it does when inserting forum code onto text.Blue has been changed to be much easier to read.Edit: Oh, and btw thanks for spotting it out for me. Edited by Doctor H. Derp

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Dracas    10

Okay looks like Doctor Derp pretty much covered everything, however I still think several of your paragraphs are far to long and could easily be broken into two or three different paragraphs. This really helps with the flow as most people start to feel a bit bogged down if a paragraph is overly long.

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nic572    10

..............[ATTACH=CONFIG]7083[/ATTACH]Well done... Great Story! Marvelous!Now...[ATTACH=CONFIG]7084[/ATTACH]May I reward you with steak and carrots?[ATTACH=CONFIG]7085[/ATTACH]

im sorry is this REALLY in the game??? o,o i have to know

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spartan1204    14

Thank you for helping me improve my story. Also I would like to answer some of the things you may be confused about, such as some of your thoughts about Maxwell. When Maxwell first met Wendy, I don't think he would be rude to Wendy, I mean he needs Wendy to believe that he is somewhat trustworthy. He's a smart and knows how to play his cards, so to speak, so he would need to be respectful at the beginning at least. I did lower Wendy's and Abigail's level in education to make it more realistic.

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spartan1204    14

For anyone who reads this post, please tell me what I need to get fixed. Currently I do not have a good way to end the story.

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Doctor H. Derp    283

Critique v.2.0

Key:

Original text - grey

Commentary - (blue)

Edits - red

Wendy was born to a middle class family with loving parents and her twin sister Abigail. The two twins were smart at school very intelligent for their age, usually surpassing most of the other students in their grade, especially in literature, and occasionally they even outsmarted their teachers.

The two did everything together: from going to school, sharing each other's secrets, and going on small adventures. They wandered through nearby caves and traveled through local forests. In one adventure, until one day Wendy and Abigail found two very mysterious flowers, one was reddish with dozens of petals; the other was blackish with a mix of pink. Wendy put the red one into her bag because she thought it looked interesting. Later when the sisters were examining the other mysterious flower, Abigail decided to get closer to reach out and pick the blackish flower; however something very strange started to happen when she got closer. Abigail started to feel weak and dizzy. Wendy quickly pulled her away from the flower, but they landed on top of Wendy’s bag. Then the red flower started to glow bright pink and suddenly Abigail started to feel better. After, during the night of that same day Later that night, when the sisters were sleeping long after the twins were tucked away in bed(Don't be afraid of being more inventive and creative with your descriptions. They can really set the scene and put your reader into the story.), petals, that looked similar to the ones on the mysterious red flower, grew on the top of Wendy’s and Abigail’s head. Unfortunately not too long after the adventure, Abigail contracted an unknown illness that left her bound to a wheelchair.(A great improvement illustrating the origin of the illness that afflicted Abigail. Well done!) Even though Abigail was the one with the disability, she was always the more courageous one. She acted like there were no obstacles in her way to stop her from pursuing her dreams. Abigail pushed Wendy to be as bold as her, for Wendy was a little shy in front others. Wendy never raised her hand in class to promote her ideas, much to Abigail's frustration. Abigail sometimes got so annoyed with Wendy for not speaking out that she would reach for her hand, raise it up high into the air and yell, " Wendy wants to answer!" Sometimes Wendy would answer, other times she would feel embarrassed and slowly bring her hand back down. Abigail did this because she knew Wendy had brilliant ideas that she should share with the world.

Tragically, Abigail died from her disease in her early teen years. All of her closest friends and family members attended to her funeral. Wendy cried as her sister descended into the cold dirt. She stayed, long after everyone else left, kneeling down before her sister's grave; she broke down sobbing wondering what her life would be like without Abigail.

Wendy was never the same after that, she stopped going on adventures and her grades began to plummet. Wendy suffered sleepless and restless nights, believing her sister's death was her fault. The few nights she did manage some sleep haunted her. Terrible nightmares of a tortured and chained Abigail calling out to her, wailing at her, questioning why it was Wendy who was spared this cruel fate. Distressed, one night Wendy decided to go to Abigail's burial site and dig her up.(Still suffers from the same problem I mentioned last time: What would make Wendy think that digging up Abigail would do anything to fix her horrid nightmares? All you have to do is spend a paragraph explaining how Wendy, a little deranged now from weeks of lack of sleep, comes across a book that illustrates how to exercise vengeful spirits that haunt her dreams and part of the ritual requires Abigail's corpse. Something like that would at least justify Wendy's actions and make it make some semblance of sense.) Wendy snuck out of her home with a shovel and ventured toward the cemetery. The night was dark and foggy, but it had a moon, round and bright. Wendy slowly meandered through the musty cemetery making her way to her sister's final place of rest. Once she came upon Abigail's grave, she twirled and twitched the shovel handle in her hands apprehensively as the grim reality of the deed she came here to do set in. It wasn't as hard as she imagined, lifting the still loose dirt off her sister's coffin. Funny, it seemed almost as if the casket wanted to be unearthed, almost as if it were calling to her, Abigail still longing to be reunited with her sister down in those murky depths below. Wendy stood before the dingy and sullen wood of her sister's tomb, still cold and damp with soil.(Yep, that sounds like my writing. I put it there as an example, and by all means use it, but the most important point of it was to show you how descriptive and fun you could make a scene, setting, and move a character through it. Something to keep in mind is that this edit I made sticks out fairly starkly with the rest of the piece. So that means when you do eventually work on an original work of writing with your own IPs, keep in mind that while an editor might be giving you good advice on how to rewrite a certain section of your book, that might call for you to either bump up the rest of your writing or dress down his/her edit to make it match.) Slowly Wendy opened her sister’s coffin, she saw the face of her deceased sister still beautiful and healthy with her blonde hair still bright and clean. Suddenly from her corpse, a ghost arose glowing bright white, it was Abigail. Wendy knew it was Abigail, she knew it because the moment the two locked eyes, Wendy felt a connection, the connection that she felt when she was with Abigail.(Nice explanation as to why it wasn't a demon or something! Well done!) At first Wendy was startled, only able to stare at her sister.

At first Wendy was startled, only able to stare at her sister.(The sentence was fine, it just should be at the start of this paragraph, not at the end of that last paragraph.) Finally words came from Wendy's mouth, “Abigail”, Wendy said, “(Goes without saying. If words "came from Wendy's mouth", the readers don't need to be reminded mid-sentence that Wendy is simply still speaking unless something changes about how she's speaking. Like, "She began to murmur," "As she began to collect herself and stood tall against this adversity before her," etc. That would be giving NEW information about how Wendy is speaking and help guide the reader into how dynamic Wendy's speech was becoming.) I'll bring you back, I promise, and if I fail--" Abigail stopped her as if to say, "You won't." For the first time since Abigail's passing, Wendy felt a small glimmer of hope, small as it was, it still was there deep inside her soul., and as quickly as her appearance.(No longer makes sense since you edited your text.) Then Abigail then proceeded to give Wendy a magical flower, the same red flower that they found years earlier,(Abigail's illness lasted for years? You skipped on by as if it were months tops.) and saying that she will be with Wendy,but she must be in the flower to recover -- Always.(Show when possible, don't merely tell the reader.) Suddenly it seemed as if Abigail was sucked into the flower. Wendy then put the flower in her pocket to keep it safe.

On her way back home Wendy was stopped by a tall and thin man wearing a suit. His complexion was ghastly pale and his shadow seemed to ensnare and confine Wendy as it began to overshadow her while in his presence.

“Well hello there, Wendy”, the man said

“Who are... How did you-

“Oh my apologizes, my name is Maxwell and I happened to get a chance of watching you talking to your little ghost friend back there."

"That's none of your business! now please allow me to go on home Now, if you're excuse me...," said the blonde little girl beginning to walk passed the tall pale stranger.

Wendy started running home. (Sounds like you're ending the conversation, and you're not.)

"I know you want to bring her back..."

Wendy stopped dead in her tracks, "What did you say?"

A smile creeped through Maxwell's face, "I said I know that you want to bring your little friend back, I would also like to add that I can help you with that."

"Help? How?!"

"Oh, but you must first do me a favor.", Maxwell reached into his suit.

“And that would be...?

“Well you just need to turn on a machine at this location”, Maxwell then pulled out a map and pointed to a red circle marked on it, “ and in return I'll turn friend back into a human… Deal?” Wendy slowly approached the Maxwell and then snatched the map from Maxwell's his hand. Wendy examined the map and thought for a second,

"You promise to bring my sister back?"

"I promise" Maxwell then brought out his hand

Wendy then shook the man’s long and cold hand.

“Excellent…”, he slowly backed into the fog.(Didn't mention prior that there was fog in the scene when Wendy met up with Maxwell. Need to set the stage a bit better.)

“But wait, what do I do after turning on the machine?” Wendy asked, but the man had already disappeared.

Wendy scratched her head for a moment as no answer returned her call. She shrugged, and with map in hand, she decided to make her way to the machine foretold in the map.

“I promised her that I would bring her back, back to my world, and I won’t let her down””, she whispered to herself.

When she reached the location finally arrived at her destination, she saw an abandoned house with a stone walk way, surrounded by a fence, and multiple trees in the middle of the forest. There was a sign just barely attached to the fence, but the letters on it were too washed worn out to read.

“Why would that man bring me here?” she whispered to herself.

Wendy then proceeded to the house. As she approached the derelict building she began to notice the house had cracked windows, broken tiles, and overgrown vegetation.(Don't be afraid of personification. Instead of "overgrown vegetation", you could've said, "the vegetation beginning to overtake the structure," for example.) She slowly pensively(Nope, the word "slowly" just simply doesn't do this moment justice.) opened the front door, she could see shadows skittering across the floor as the heavy moonlight forced intruded(I know I originally said "forced", but I think "intruded" sounds better.) its way into the old musty and grubby house. Once inside she immediately heard a noise, a mechanical noise, which seemed to originate upstairs deep within the house somewhere.(If she already knew where to go, why would she explore the rest of the house? If she knew it was upstairs, why bother with looking through the downstairs. I mean, maybe she's surveying the downstairs to look for traps or maybe some answers as to what help this guy, Maxwell, could possibly provide her, but you need to mention her motivation instead of heading straight to the sound of the noise.) She began searching every room becoming more nervous with each step, she could hear the sound getting louder but it didn't lead to anything only seemed to lead her to dead ends. Most of the rooms were filled with books, dust, and spiders. Desperate Wendy started looking at the map for clues, looking at it all types of angles, flipping it, turning it, folding it. Then just when she was about to give up, she starts hearing heard another sound coming from directly above her, suddenly a plank of wood and debris dust falls down from the ceiling. Wendy avoided being crushed dodged just in time, and as the dust began to settle in the neglected room, she spied a ladder leading to what she assumed to be the attic falls down on top of the debris. She then anxiously continued up to the attic. The attic(Your use of the phrase, "the attic" is getting repetitive and tiresome.)This room looked like a laboratory filled with all types of science equipment, in particular a giant behemoth of a machine in the corner. There were several chemicals as well. In addition there were a few cages filled with dead mice, old and abandoned beakers and tubes that had once held odd and mysterious chemical concoctions, along with a thick layer of dust and grime that seemed to cover everything. "Well isn't that delightful" Wendy thought muttered to herself. Wendy then felt a gust of wind pour through the room and after with it the map started to burn with a blackish flame. forcing Wendy to drop it Wendy, seeing all this, cried out and fear and immediately let go of the burning map in her hands. Once the flames cooled, The map writhed on the floor, smoldering, until nothing but ash remained. Another gust of wind blew away part of the ash seeming to try and spell something, eventually revealing the words saying, “Throw the Switch”, and had an arrow pointing at the large imposing mechanical structure. Wendy looked at the large machinery; began to really examine what she was being guided to and it was like nothing she had ever seen before. "Should I really be doing this?" Wendy whispered to herself as her eyes darted across the machine, in particular the lever that was calling out to her, what that odd man had told her to pull. Unexpectedly a whisper came to Wendy's ear, "This it...", it sounded like Abigail, Wendy then quickly turned around, no one was there. Wendy then focused fixated on the switch again, and closed her eyes determined, then she processed to flip the switch closed her eyes as she threw the switch. Suddenly from the ground came large monstrous hands cast in shadow, grabbing, grasping, and gaping at her. She couldn't escape. They surrounded her, smothered her, and engulfed, she just felt herself rushing off somewhere. To where, she couldn't say, but just the feeling of movement and motion surrounded her in the blackness that had doused her eyes, but right before she blacked out she saw Maxwell waving at her and saying, "See you on the other side..."

Wendy slowly opened her eyes, wondering if it was all just a dream. To her dismay, she found herself in the wilderness filled with strange animals of all sorts. She was stranded, lost in an unfamiliar land. She looked around until she spotted Maxwell.

“Say, pal, you look like a mess," Maxwell said while sitting a rock with a cigar, "Stupid little girl, haven't your parents taught you anything about strangers?

You three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy worsted-stocking knave!What tr?! Where's Abigail?! Where have you taken me you uncouth knave!”, Wendy shouted as she charged at Maxwell, but right before she reached him, he vanished.

“So naïve, you still have so much to learn”, Maxwell said as he reappeared behind Wendy.

“What do you want from me!?”_Wendy yelled as she sprinted towards Maxwell again, and again he vanished right before she reached him.

“I wouldn't waste my energy if I were you”, Maxwell said as he once again reappeared behind Wendy, brandishing a devilish sneer, “I mean, you have a long day ahead of you. After all, I'd hate to see you starve out here”

“What are you?” Wendy said breathlessly.

"That's not what matters, but what does matter is that I've decided I want to play a little game with you, pal. The game is very simple; all you have to do is not starve! That's all," he jeered.

“You...! You monster!

Smiling, “That’s not a very nice word to call your host, now is it?”, Maxwell said

Making one last attempt, Wendy charged at Maxwell with all her might, but like before he vanished before her eyes. However this time he reappeared just a few feet behind her, scaring Wendy as he towered over her.

“You got some fight in you, don’t you?” examined Maxwell, “Let’s change that…” Maxwell proceeded to tap Wendy on the forehand. It felt like her forehead was burning. Black smoke came out of her forehead. Wendy started to feel dizzy, like the world was twisting and turning around her before she collapsed on the ground.

Maxwell then walked up to her and whispered "Sweet Dreams… Wendy" as she passed out.

The next day Wendy woke up feeling very weak with the addition of not remembering much of what had happened, like how she got here or what happened before. All she remembered was who she was, her dead sister Abigail, and the man responsible for her being here. She looked around, but all she saw was death and taste for it.(What? I don't even understand what you're trying to say with this last sentence.)

Good effort. Keep practicing.

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