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Don't Starve "Book"

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DaverGamer    265

Just kidding. Here it is, finally.

Chapter 3: First Attempt

Wilson's eyes slowly opened to the sight of the beautiful morning sky and the bright golden sun, shining rays of light to the ground below. Wilson rolled over so his stomach faced the ground and pushed himself up. He looked over at the fire, which was now just a small pile of ash and charcoal. He sighed and walked over to the ashes. Wilson picked up one of the near by twigs and poked around in the ashes, looking around for a small flame to relight the fire. Nothing but small embers were left in the ashes.

Wilson sighed and wiped the sand from his eyes. The morning air was cold, and no one else was awake, which meant he had to restard the fire by himself. He picked up two of the near by flint rocks and piled some twigs over the ashes. The twigs dried overnight, making them able to catch fire without any grass.

"Let's see... How did Wolfgang do this?" Wilson asked himself and tried to remeber yesterday.

With a large amount of force, Wilson smacked the two rocks togeather. A shower of sparks fell from the two rocks and covered the twigs. The sparks quickly went out without catching flame to any of the twigs. Wilson smacked the rocks togeather again, and again, creating a shower of red hot sparks. The rocks created a loud noise each time they smashed togeather, which seemed to wake someone every couple of hits.

The first to wake was Wes, who woke up after three hits of the rocks. He really didn't pay much attention to Wilson and the fire. He just picked up his pinecones and began to juggle for fun. The next to wake was Wendy, after five rock hits. She slowly rose and walked over to Willow, to check up on her. After seven hits of the rocks, Wolfgang woke. Wolfgang seemed happy to wake up, and instantly began to have conversations with the group; not stopping to assist Wilson.

With ten strikes of the rock, each making a massive shower of sparks, the twigs caught flame. As fire grew, Willow began to rise, slowly opening her eyes. The flame seemed to excite her. She took off the crown of flowers and gave it to Wendy. Willow then stood up, not caring about her wounds, and trotted over to the fire. When Willow reached the fire, she just sat there, at the flames. Wilson gave a stunned look at Willow.

"Aren't you supposed to be resting?" He asked.

"Nah, I'm fine. It was just a scratch anyway." She said, not taking her eyes off of the fire.

Wilson rolled his eyes and muttered a quiet "Okay". Wolfgang approached Wilson and tapped on his shoulder.

"Tiny man, Wolfgang's belly is empty. Tiny man went out for food last day. Did you bring food?" Wolfgang asked, rubbing his stomach.

Wilson was confused at first, and then remembered the berries and carrots in his pockets. He looked down at the pockets carrying the carrots and took a couple carrots out of the pocket. He gave the carrots to Wolfgang, and then took a few more out of his pocket. Wilson started passing around carrots to everyone, each person getting three of the orange vegetables. The carrots still had their crunch and taste, even after the day they spent in Wilson's pocket.

Wilson finished his share of the food quickly and then walked over to the pile of flint and twigs. Wilson picked up one of the biggest branches in the pile and a flint rock. He then held them up and began to think.

"I wonder..." He said to himself as he stared at the materials he held in his hands.

Wilson set the branch on the grass at his feet, and got on his knees near the branch. He held the flint rock in both hands and raised them over the branch. Wilson brought the rock down on the branch with force, making the sharp end of the stone penetrate the stick. The end of the flint rock stuck out of the branch loosely, and began to wobble when it was touched. Wilson picked up another flint rock and hammered the end of the stone into the branch, making it more sturdy as it drilled deeper into the stick.

Wilson stood up and picked up the crude tool. A sense of pride entered his mind, the tool he made was excellent for a first attempt. He swung the tool around for a minute, just to get the feel of it. As he was swinging the crude tool around, the group began to take notice of what Wilson created.

One by one, the group began to look at the thing Wilson had made. Wilson stopped mid swing and looked up at the group, who stared at him with puzzled looks.

"What is that?" Wendy asked, pointing at the crude tool in Wilson's grasp.

"Well... It's a... Tool, I guess... I had in mind a hatchet when I was making it so, you could call it that..." Wilson said, looking down at the 'hatchet'.

Willow walked up to Wilson, chuckling, and stole the tool from his hands. She then turned around to examine the quality of the tool, still letting out small laughs.

"This is a pretty s**t hatchet, Percival." She chuckled, looking at the poor quality of the tool.

"It's a first attempt." Wilson said in a sturn voice as he walked up and stole the hatchet back. "And it's all we got..." He continued.

"Does tool work good?" Wolfgang asked and approached Wilson.

"I don't know, I haven't tried it out yet." Wilson said, looking down at the hatchet and then to a near by tree. "I could go try it out though..." He continued and marched up to the tree.

The pine tree was old, limp and appeared to be rotted slightly. Wilson raised the hatchet so the broad part of the head was facing in a downward motion to the tree. With one heavy swing, Wilson brought the hatchet down on the tree. A cloud of splinters exploded, and it wasn't from the tree. The handle of the hatchet shattered on impact and sent inch long splinters out in all directions, one hitting Wilson in the cheek.

Wilson was shot back, shocked by the explosion. He fell on his rear and clenched his face where the slpinter struck him. The group all ran up to Wilson and crowded around his body. He was lying there with his hands on the lower portion of his face.

"Are you alright?" Wilson asked and held out a hand to pull Wilson up.

Wilson removed one hand from his cheeck and grabbed Willow's out streched hand. With Willow's help, he pulled himself up, still having one hand on the wound. When he was on his feet, he took off the hand that was on his cheek and then pinched the top of the splinter. He slowly yanked out the shrapnel of wood from his flesh, causing insane amounts of pain in his face. Tears of pain flooded his eyes and dripped down his cheek.

Halfway through pulling out the small spear from his face, he stopped; it was just causing too much pain to pull it out slowly. He then pinched the end harder and yanked the splinter out of his cheek, causing a few drops of blood to trickle down his face. Wilson wiped the blood off of his cheek, smearing the thick red liquid across his face.

After the splinter was out, Wilson didn't care much about the wound. The pain nearly gone after the wooden shrapnel was removed from his cheek. He walked over to where the handle and the head of the hatchet landed. He picked the two parts up and held them up to examine them. The head was in good shape but the branch was not in usable condition.

"Well, Mr. Inventor, looks like your tool didn't work out too well. The damn thing shattered and you were hit in the face with a splinter." Willow said with a smirk. "Now what?" She asked.

Wilson sighed.

"Back to the drawing board..."

__________________________________________________________________________________

Ahh, bout' time that thing was done, am I right? Sorry for the delay guys. Also, If any other chapters are late and I don't say why, it's because TF2. Sniper all the way, baby!

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Yay!!

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Dannyrulx    824

Not as good but... Hey! Two slaps woke up Wilson. The voice of a girl drifted to him "Hello? Hello!" "Bleegh" Wilson shook his head. The girl helped him to his feet. "Hi! my name is Wendy! What's yours? "Wilson, Where am I? "Do I know?" The girl was holding a blooming flower. She turned to Wilson. "Here!" she handed him an axe and a rucksack. "You've got to be careful in these parts! "Thanks!" He replied. Suddenly the girl started in a song, her voice drifted and wavered. "Hush, Hush, Death will find you, no matter what, You dooo. Hush Hush Heaven will welcome you" Wendy continued singing for a while longer, Lighting a fire whilst doing so. "What's up with the flower? Wilson asked "Oh? This?" "Yeah that flower" Wendy put her hand into her rucksack and pulled out a live rabbit. She planted the flower and put the rabbit down next to it. Suddenly The petals started dropping off the flower and a crack appeared in the ground. The Rabbit dropped dead. "AHHHHHHH" Wilson cried! A GHOST! "Hello Abigail!" If you like it I'll write more!

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Shadss    5

Not as good but... Hey! Two slaps woke up Wilson. The voice of a girl drifted to him "Hello? Hello!" "Bleegh" Wilson shook his head. The girl helped him to his feet. "Hi! my name is Wendy! What's yours? "Wilson, Where am I? "Do I know?" The girl was holding a blooming flower. She turned to Wilson. "Here!" she handed him an axe and a rucksack. "You've got to be careful in these parts! "Thanks!" He replied. Suddenly the girl started in a song, her voice drifted and wavered. "Hush, Hush, Death will find you, no matter what, You dooo. Hush Hush Heaven will welcome you" Wendy continued singing for a while longer, Lighting a fire whilst doing so. "What's up with the flower? Wilson asked "Oh? This?" "Yeah that flower" Wendy put her hand into her rucksack and pulled out a live rabbit. She planted the flower and put the rabbit down next to it. Suddenly The petals started dropping off the flower and a crack appeared in the ground. The Rabbit dropped dead. "AHHHHHHH" Wilson cried! A GHOST! "Hello Abigail!" If you like it I'll write more!

No offence dude but... Could you make your own thread for your own story please? I would appreciate it, Thanks.-Shadss

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Dannyrulx    824

No offence dude but... Could you make your own thread for your own story please? I would appreciate it, Thanks.-Shadss

no probs dude! trying to get a moderator to let my thread through

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negaman    16

Just kidding. Here it is, finally.

Chapter 3: First Attempt

Wilson's eyes slowly opened to the sight of the beautiful morning sky and the bright golden sun, shining rays of light to the ground below. Wilson rolled over so his stomach faced the ground and pushed himself up. He looked over at the fire, which was now just a small pile of ash and charcoal. He sighed and walked over to the ashes. Wilson picked up one of the near by twigs and poked around in the ashes, looking around for a small flame to relight the fire. Nothing but small embers were left in the ashes.

Wilson sighed and wiped the sand from his eyes. The morning air was cold, and no one else was awake, which meant he had to restard the fire by himself. He picked up two of the near by flint rocks and piled some twigs over the ashes. The twigs dried overnight, making them able to catch fire without any grass.

"Let's see... How did Wolfgang do this?" Wilson asked himself and tried to remeber yesterday.

With a large amount of force, Wilson smacked the two rocks togeather. A shower of sparks fell from the two rocks and covered the twigs. The sparks quickly went out without catching flame to any of the twigs. Wilson smacked the rocks togeather again, and again, creating a shower of red hot sparks. The rocks created a loud noise each time they smashed togeather, which seemed to wake someone every couple of hits.

The first to wake was Wes, who woke up after three hits of the rocks. He really didn't pay much attention to Wilson and the fire. He just picked up his pinecones and began to juggle for fun. The next to wake was Wendy, after five rock hits. She slowly rose and walked over to Willow, to check up on her. After seven hits of the rocks, Wolfgang woke. Wolfgang seemed happy to wake up, and instantly began to have conversations with the group; not stopping to assist Wilson.

With ten strikes of the rock, each making a massive shower of sparks, the twigs caught flame. As fire grew, Willow began to rise, slowly opening her eyes. The flame seemed to excite her. She took off the crown of flowers and gave it to Wendy. Willow then stood up, not caring about her wounds, and trotted over to the fire. When Willow reached the fire, she just sat there, at the flames. Wilson gave a stunned look at Willow.

"Aren't you supposed to be resting?" He asked.

"Nah, I'm fine. It was just a scratch anyway." She said, not taking her eyes off of the fire.

Wilson rolled his eyes and muttered a quiet "Okay". Wolfgang approached Wilson and tapped on his shoulder.

"Tiny man, Wolfgang's belly is empty. Tiny man went out for food last day. Did you bring food?" Wolfgang asked, rubbing his stomach.

Wilson was confused at first, and then remembered the berries and carrots in his pockets. He looked down at the pockets carrying the carrots and took a couple carrots out of the pocket. He gave the carrots to Wolfgang, and then took a few more out of his pocket. Wilson started passing around carrots to everyone, each person getting three of the orange vegetables. The carrots still had their crunch and taste, even after the day they spent in Wilson's pocket.

Wilson finished his share of the food quickly and then walked over to the pile of flint and twigs. Wilson picked up one of the biggest branches in the pile and a flint rock. He then held them up and began to think.

"I wonder..." He said to himself as he stared at the materials he held in his hands.

Wilson set the branch on the grass at his feet, and got on his knees near the branch. He held the flint rock in both hands and raised them over the branch. Wilson brought the rock down on the branch with force, making the sharp end of the stone penetrate the stick. The end of the flint rock stuck out of the branch loosely, and began to wobble when it was touched. Wilson picked up another flint rock and hammered the end of the stone into the branch, making it more sturdy as it drilled deeper into the stick.

Wilson stood up and picked up the crude tool. A sense of pride entered his mind, the tool he made was excellent for a first attempt. He swung the tool around for a minute, just to get the feel of it. As he was swinging the crude tool around, the group began to take notice of what Wilson created.

One by one, the group began to look at the thing Wilson had made. Wilson stopped mid swing and looked up at the group, who stared at him with puzzled looks.

"What is that?" Wendy asked, pointing at the crude tool in Wilson's grasp.

"Well... It's a... Tool, I guess... I had in mind a hatchet when I was making it so, you could call it that..." Wilson said, looking down at the 'hatchet'.

Willow walked up to Wilson, chuckling, and stole the tool from his hands. She then turned around to examine the quality of the tool, still letting out small laughs.

"This is a pretty s**t hatchet, Percival." She chuckled, looking at the poor quality of the tool.

"It's a first attempt." Wilson said in a sturn voice as he walked up and stole the hatchet back. "And it's all we got..." He continued.

"Does tool work good?" Wolfgang asked and approached Wilson.

"I don't know, I haven't tried it out yet." Wilson said, looking down at the hatchet and then to a near by tree. "I could go try it out though..." He continued and marched up to the tree.

The pine tree was old, limp and appeared to be rotted slightly. Wilson raised the hatchet so the broad part of the head was facing in a downward motion to the tree. With one heavy swing, Wilson brought the hatchet down on the tree. A cloud of splinters exploded, and it wasn't from the tree. The handle of the hatchet shattered on impact and sent inch long splinters out in all directions, one hitting Wilson in the cheek.

Wilson was shot back, shocked by the explosion. He fell on his rear and clenched his face where the slpinter struck him. The group all ran up to Wilson and crowded around his body. He was lying there with his hands on the lower portion of his face.

"Are you alright?" Willow asked and held out a hand to pull Wilson up.

Wilson removed one hand from his cheeck and grabbed Willow's out streched hand. With Willow's help, he pulled himself up, still having one hand on the wound. When he was on his feet, he took off the hand that was on his cheek and then pinched the top of the splinter. He slowly yanked out the shrapnel of wood from his flesh, causing insane amounts of pain in his face. Tears of pain flooded his eyes and dripped down his cheek.

Halfway through pulling out the small spear from his face, he stopped; it was just causing too much pain to pull it out slowly. He then pinched the end harder and yanked the splinter out of his cheek, causing a few drops of blood to trickle down his face. Wilson wiped the blood off of his cheek, smearing the thick red liquid across his face.

After the splinter was out, Wilson didn't care much about the wound. The pain nearly gone after the wooden shrapnel was removed from his cheek. He walked over to where the handle and the head of the hatchet landed. He picked the two parts up and held them up to examine them. The head was in good shape but the branch was not in usable condition.

"Well, Mr. Inventor, looks like your tool didn't work out too well. The damn thing shattered and you were hit in the face with a splinter." Willow said with a smirk. "Now what?" She asked.

Wilson sighed.

"Back to the drawing board..."

__________________________________________________________________________________

Ahh, bout' time that thing was done, am I right? Sorry for the delay guys. Also, If any other chapters are late and I don't say why, it's because TF2. Sniper all the way, baby!

Anyway, thanks for reading!

very good! i love that you are able to make it a bit more realistic than the game yet still have it feel like don't stave!

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Doctor H. Derp    283

Here's my critique of the prologue and the first chapter. I put it in spoiler tags as to not clog up the page with a wall of text.

KEY:

Edits - Red

Commentary - (Blue)

Original Text - Grey

Prologue:

You don't seem to understand who I am. I control this world, and everything in this world it. Everything has been made by my hand. I gave birth to light, darkness, and the demented creatures that scurry around this demonized world land/wilderness/etc.(3 mentions of the word "world" becomes very repetitive and jarring for the reader.). I made these trees, every pine needle and every cone and every bird and every feather. I may have made everything, but I am not in control,(you just said you control this world.) not by a long shot. I am trapped by them. For what seems like millions of years ages I have been strapped to this throne of thorns and that damn music has been playing non-stop. I can only leave this throne for brief periods of time, to speak with the people I have tricked to do my bidding. Hundreds of outcasts, one-by-one, all tricked by me deceived to come into this hell world damned place. They bit the dust within days didn't last long. (Needs more word variation IMO.)

I just recently realized what I have to do.(Do what?) I needed to bring in multiple people. which I have already done. As we speak, all five of them are passed out, scattered around that small forest. The scientist was the easiest one to trick. So hungry for power and knowledge. I spoke to him though a strange sound emitting device(I think you could just call it a radio.). I traded him knowledge on one condition, make a structure. Little did he know, the structure brought him here. He's the smartest out of the five, but he's a damn fool.

The next one I tricked was a pyromaniac. When she was young, she played with fire and burned her house down on accident. Killed Her mother, father, and her baby sister, all consumed. She was outcasted exiled. and said to be a bringer of death(Just sounds awkward. Try speaking out loud some of your writing to better help detect for this.). Rumors abound how death followed wherever she went, and for years she was hated, until this day. I contacted her at her weakest position most dire moment of weakness, about ready to end it all. All she had was the flame, and even that was about to go out. I appeared for a quick chat and told her about powers that I could grant her. It didn't take much, I just gave her the power to create flames in darkness. The fire in her blood made her skin inflammable, completely fireproof. Only one condition: After a week of trying out her powers, she had to come with me. She burned down the houses of everyone who hated her, and then told me she was ready.

Then there's that brute of a fool. A circus strong man, quite the body builder, and while his feats of strength were marvelous, fewer and fewer crowds came to see him and his troupe perform. His circus was becoming less and less popular. People in the circus The performers were starving, including even him. I contacted him in the winter, when his body was half of what it was when people cared about his circus(goes without saying.). I told him I'd grant him renewed strength, and make his circus popular again, if he came with me. He gladly accepted, and now his circus is the most popular greatest attraction in all of his homeland, and he's strong as before, but now he's under the wrath of the land merely a pawn on my board.

The next one was a small girl, no more than fourteen. Her sister passed away recently and I contacted her while she was in mourning, I'm not proud of it.(I don't think Maxwell would care, but maybe that's just me.) She was on her way to visit her sister's in the grave. I reached out to her before it happened she arrived, and told her about my powers. She didn't believe me, which is understandable. I took the small wilted flower from her hand and made gave it life. I told her I could give life to her sister as well, as long as she comes with me. Her face filled with joy when she heard that I can give life to her passed restore her sister. I told her that I'd be back, and told her to enjoy her new gift. Her sister visited her in ghost form, not at all what she was expecting. When I came back, she called me all sorts of names that I've grown to accept, but a deal is a deal, and I made her come with me. I felt bad about all of it,(Maxwell showing compassion to what amounts little more than a pawn to him? A plaything? I'm just not buying it.) so I let her sister come to this demonic world with her.

And lastly was that insane mime. The idiot was horrible. His parents were murdered and he became a recluse, devoting himself to silence. He became a mime, and painted his face. He was homeless, and he relied on miming his performances for spare change to eat. I saw him in this state and called out to him. I told him that I can make him the best mime in the world. He nodded in excitement. I made the make up on his face permanent and made him a mute, unable to speak, even if he wanted to. Then I did the same to him like everyone else, I made him come into my world of creatures and death.

These five people are my last hope. I demand freedom, I can't handle this any longer. These five need to band together to survive, and to free me. If they do not band together and free me from this hell, I don't know what I'd do... I can't try this again, every time I leave to get more people, it causes intense pain.(Doesn't seem like such a deterrent considering all the skeletons littered around the wilderness.) Putting all of this together was near impossible, and next time it will be harder and it will cause more pain. Every time I go out, it feels like I'm dying, but death does not come, it never comes unless these five outcasts free me from my eternal prison.

It appears that they are waking from their slumber. It will hurt too much to greet them each individually, I must wait for them to come together to reveal myself. Until then, I need to rest. This throne brings pain, but sleep numbs it away...

Chapter One: Daylight

Wilson's(Should we, the readers, even know who he is yet? Shouldn't we wait for him to introduce himself to one of the other characters? I mean yes we're all fans of Don't Starve, but consider for a moment if your audience wasn't familiar with Don't Starve at all. How then would you introduce what amounts to a fresh new character?) eyes slowly cracked open when the sunlight hit his face. A bead of drool dripped from his mouth face when he opened it let out a big yawn. He rolled over on his stomach and pushed himself up onto his hands and knees. He slowly stood and put his hand on his lower back.

"Good lord, my back hurts," he said and then as he rubbed the center of his lower back. spot where his back was in pain. He put both hands on his lower back and pushed. His back popped, which made it feel slightly better.

He stood there, looking in awe around at the hundreds of pine trees and the small rocks on the ground around him. A small demented rabbit(A beardling?) scurried under his feet, which made him jump back and fall, landing on his arse. When he saw the rabbit it clicked. He had no idea where he was. This sure as hell wasn't home the normal world, not by a long shot, but where exactly was he?

He backed up and walked over to one of the small rocks on the green, lush grass. Wilson bent over and picked the small grey rock up. A jagged piece edge of the rock cut open his index finger, making a few drops of blood drip down his finger and fall onto the grass below. Wilson put his finger in his mouth and sucked on the cut, and then examined the rock. "It's flint," he thought to himself. He stuck the rock in his pocket and looked around. Trees. Nothing but pine trees were around him. Since there was no difference in direction, he just picked a random direction(iffy on the second use of "direction" in such quick succession but letting it slide.) and began to walk.

Something was off about the trees, nothing apparent, but something just felt, different. Wilson pulled his finger out of his mouth to see that the bleeding had stopped. As he walked deeper into the forest, he began to notice various plants. The tips of carrots poked out of the ground, roses and tulips painted the boring green ground, a few bushes grew around with ripe red berries growing all around it, saplings were scattered around the forest floor and large, lighter bundles tufts of grass scattered and towered over the normal grass.

This world looked normal, besides that crazy rabbit,(I guess it was a beardling. Wouldn't that make Wilson near insane right about now? Or are we playing with different rules in th) but something felt off about the whole thing. Wilson pulled the lump of flint out of his pocket and examined it as he walked around the forest. The rock was sharp, pointy, and strong. The dark grey color of the rock and the bright red of his blood on a small jagged edge blended perfectly. Wilson set it back in his pockets and continued to walk. After minutes of walking around the forest, he heard something unusual.

Something besides the normal bird chirps and the rustling waving of grass. Wilson stopped dead in his tracks and listened for the sound, trying to decide what it was. It sounded like a voice, and the crackling of fire. Wilson swallowed hard and peeked through a near by berry bush. He spread the leaves apart and nearly instantly, an explosion of feathers and loud gobbling sounds came from the bush. A large turkey like bird ran away fast, creating loud noises with every step. Wilson shot back and fell on his rear again. He followed the turkey with his eyes. It clicked in his mind that he was supposed to be quiet.

"Well, that's not good..." Wilson said out loud and then looked back at the bush.

The bush was nothing but a pile of ash and black round balls, which were the berries. Standing in the ash was a woman with a small ball of fire in her hand. She slowly walked over to Wilson and grabbed him by the collar with the hand not painted in with flames, hoisting him up so she can look him in his eyes. Her pupils were Tiny flames flickered where her pupils should've been. nonexistent, the only thing that was there was a flame. She put her hand covered in fire on Wilson's neck, slowly burning him.

"Who are you!?" She asked, tightening her grip.

"Why should I tell you?"(Because there's what seems to be a pyromancer ready to make him match that berry bush in about 2 seconds. You'd think he'd be a little more worried about his predicament at the onset of this altercation instead of trying to play hardball with Willow.) Wilson asked.

"Because, I have your neck in my hand, and I can make it a lot hotter than that if you think it's hot now..." She said. The flame in her eyes grew and the heat became more intense.

Wilson swallowed hard and then slowly opened his mouth.

"W-Wilson Percival Higgsbury; Please don't hurt me!" Wilson said, withering.

The woman looked at him in the eyes, and loosened her grip. Her pupils returned to normal and the flame in her hand became nothing. She threw Wilson to the ground, not taking off her gaze.

"Why are you here, Percival?" She asked and stared at him in the eyes Her eyes piercing Wilson's.

Wilson thought for a second, and then looked back at the woman.

"I honestly have no idea. I was working on an experiment that went wrong. It was a portal of some sort that a voice through a radio(So why did Maxwell call it a "sound emitting device" then? It's not exactly an obscure item in this world they all originated from obviously.) told me to build. He granted me the knowledge to do so..." Wilson said and continued to think about what happened that day.

"'Granted' you knowledge? Who?"(She just believes him? How does she know he's not lying just to try and save his skin? For all Willow knows, Wilson is one of Maxwell's lackeys.) She asked, staring down at Wilson, in the eyes.

"No idea... I just heard his voice through a radio." Wilson said as he stood up and dusted his pants off.

"What did he sound like?"(Willow really really wants to believe in Wilson apparently. She has absolutely no basis to cut Wilson this much slack.) She asked again.

"Uh, he had a deep voice. Actually quite calming." Wilson said and picked up the flint rock that fell out of his pocked when the woman picked him up.

"Yeah... And he just 'Granted' you knowledge, without teaching you anything?" She asked yet again.

"Um... Yeah I guess so. I just felt my self become instantly smarter, he didn't really teach me anything, I just made a deal with him and POOF, I knew more than I did a the second ago prior," Wilson said and then paused, "Why?" He continued.(No actually he stopped talking to allow Willow a turn to speak.)

"Because, you and I are similar, too similar to be a coincidence..." She said and finally took her gaze off of Wilson.

"What's that supposed to mean? does that mean?" Wilson asked.(I'm not even sure you need to even put this "Wilson asked." bit in either, seems fairly obvious who's speaking, but... eh.)

"It means that bastard tricked us..." She said, turned around and began to walk off.

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Shadss    5

Doctor H. Derp. Thank you for your edits. I will not be editing the prologue, nor the first chapter, because I like people to see the mistakes I make. Because of people like you, correcting my mistakes, it makes me attempt to work harder and make sure mistakes don't happen. I'll edit the spelling errors but not any of the flaws in the writing. Thanks for pointing them out so I can learn from the flaws in my story :)Also, one more thing. Chapter four will be done soon. -Shadss.

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Shadss    5

Still working on the chapter. The reason for the long delay again is because in my spare time I've been working on a small Role Playing Game. The chapter will come out when I get a chance to finish it up.

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Doctor H. Derp    283

Round 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Key:

Edits - red

Commentary - (blue)

Original text - grey

"Wait, you said our cases were similar, why are you here?" Wilson asked and followed the woman. as he followed.(Goes without saying who he's following.)

She sighed, closed her eyes and then told Wilson why as she began to recount why she was there.(When it's fairly obvious who the characters are talking to, especially when it's just a conversation between 2 people you don't need to keep repeating names. It's just redundant information that gunks up the flow of the story, at least IMO. I mean it's one thing if there's some ambiguity, like in a conversation with 3+ people involved, but otherwise cut. Also narrator is third-person omniscient in this passage. He's not "here" with Wilson and Willow, he's merely commenting where they are, they're "there".) "I guess you can say I made a deal with the devil. He granted me powers, which you were in contact with just a moment ago. as you can see," gesturing toward her hand engulfed in flame."("which you were in contact with" sounds awkward to me. This also adds more clarity to exactly what she was endowed with.) I had to follow him into this world. He opened a split in tore open reality with his bare hands..., made a "portal", you could say. I walked in and then I woke up here..." She said and then continued to walk.

"That is strange..." Wilson said and then paused for a moment. "Who are you, anyway?" He asked and continued to follow the woman girl(the word "woman" makes Willow sound much older.) as she walked deeper into the lush, green forest.

She stopped and turned around to look Wilson in the eye. "My... My name is Willow, but no one has called me that in years..." She stopped and remembered all the hatred she was given.

"People had not addressed me by my name Haven't heard my own name for a long time, not("addressed" doesn't sound like Willow. Sounds too proper.) since the accident. Everyone called me a 'bringer of death' for what I did..." She said. Her pupils became fire, yet again. Anger filled her mind.

"What did you do to cause that much hatred?" Wilson asked.

"I burned down my house while playing in a with fire when I was little. The house was made of wood and straw, it was engulfed in flames within minutes. I was the only survivor in the blaze... I can still hear the screaming pain of my family as they burned..." A tear rolled down her cheek, sizzled, and then evaporated.(I'm assuming the tear evaporated because of her powers. Tears do not evaporate that quickly on their own.)

"Ever since that day I've questioned my sanity, and so did other people. They threw rocks and sticks at me for what I did, a daily routine. I couldn't take it anymore... I was so close to ending my own life; and then he came. He gave me these powers of flame...In a way he saved my life." The woman continued.

"What did you do with your powers?"(He just blurts that out after that dramabomb? Without skipping a beat? I mean for crying out loud, here's a little girl pyromancer, already caution to pause, but now she's talking about suicide. SUICIDE. Well... since you're framing Wilson as somewhat sympathetic...)"That's... horrible...." Wilson asked, pondering her sanity as well., "I don't suppose... you didn't... I mean all those people... surely they didn't deserve to...," Wilson stammered, liquid nervousness began to run down from his forehead, as the grim reality of what the girl could do with her powers had started to sink in.

"I burned them all," unabashed, "I lit them to blaze, to make them feel what I had to deal with for years. I enjoyed it, watching them burn into ash and charcoal. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I was happy. I let out a laugh as I heard their cries for help. It's all I wanted to do, to make them feel what I had to feel for years." She said, turned around and continued to walk.

When she finished her story As her story concluded, Wilson was sure her sanity was not in mint condition, but at the same time, was conflicted. He somewhat understood why she did it, despite the gruesome end all those people suffered. It's not as if she hadn't suffered as well, he reasoned to himself.(And now I'll call shenanigans. Why? You've set up a rule here that you're breaking: Willow's actions, her accident, is considered so reprehensible by the inhabitants of her home dimension that they were compelled, average joes on the street here were COMPELLED, to go so far as to throw things at her daily for what she has done. To inspire that much hatred is something that can't simply be brushed aside lightly, and here you are with Wilson brushing it aside. If this act is considered to be that evil by Willow's home world inhabitants, and Wilson is from that world, Wilson should be filled with disgust. He should be fighting against the urge to throw something at Willow this very instant, whether that be the flint in his pocket or an insult, and otherwise would if not for the threat to his personal safety considering the damage Willow could cause. Why would Wilson be different? What stops him from judging Willow as harshly as everyone else? Also, to add insult to injury, Willow threatened Wilson's life no more than 8 minutes ago. It's not only a wonder why Wilson even began following her, it's also a wonder why Willow would be so casual about spilling the beans considering how every time her story has been told, someone threw something at her for it. She'd be paranoid Wilson would judge her.) He followed Willow deeper into the forest in silence, examining her and his surroundings. The large pine trees swayed in the wind slowly. Butterflies and bees circled the flowers, landing for a brief second and then before moving to a different flower. The demented rabbits scurried around the grass and then returned to their small holes. It was actually quite peaceful.

They walked for minutes in silence,(Redundant information. Nothing has changed that would cause the readers to suspect the silence was broken since you mentioned it previously.) with only the chirping of birds and the sound of wind to fill the void of noise. As they walked, the forest began to change. The grass became darker and the forest trees began to spread out, slowly leading to a field. The two began to walk slower, looking at all of the changes. There were very few flowers and animals. There were almost no rabbits to be seen; not even birds came down to pick up the random seeds scattered around the forest floor.

It was so quiet in this part of the forest. No birds were chirping, the sounds of the rabbits were unheard of; not even the wind made noise.(Completely redundant.) The only audible sound was the sound of Wilson and Willow's foot steps on the grass. The silence was broken by the sounds of two voices. One voice was soft and coming from a womansounded like it came from a girl, possibly a child. The other voice boomed like thunder and was coming came from a man. The sounds were coming from behind Wilson and Willow. The two stopped dead in there tracks and turned around. Then didn't move or flinch, they just stood there staring in the direction where the voices were coming from.(Why didn't they go run and hide? They've no reason to believe the footsteps coming at them are from friendlies. They could all easily be Maxwell's lackies.) The voices became louder and louder with every step the two people took. Their footsteps began to make noise as well, but instead of two pairs of footsteps, there was three, all moving in Willow and Wilson's direction.

In less than a minute the Immediately all three came into view. A little girl with bleached blonde hair, a muscular man, at least six feet tall, and a small man with white makeup on his face dressed as a mime.(Wes is who he is. It's no secret, he looks like a mime.) The three noticed Willow and Wilson and stopped their conversation instantly. The two groups stood there, staring at eachother, not moving. Wilson swallowed hard and then stepped forward. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Uh... Hi." Wilson said and faked a smile as a meek smile spread across his face, a bead of sweat dripped ran down from his forehead.

The muscular man stepped forward.

"Hello, tiny man. I is Wolfgang! Who is you?" The man asked, his voice seemed like it could cause an earthquake.

"Well he seems friendly enough..." Wilson said thought to himself. "I am Wilson Percival Higgsbury. Who is that with you are they?" Wilson shouted.

The man named(goes without saying.) Wolfgang looked at the small girl and the tiny man with makeup on his face. He looked, before looking back at Wilson.

"I don't know names, but they is good people!" Wolfgang shouted back at Wilson with his earth shattering voice.

"Is that so?" Wilson said thought to himself. "Can we speak to these people?" Wilson asked.

"Yes! Let us all know each other!" Wolfgang shouted and motioned Wilson and Willow to come over.

Willow and Wilson slowly walked over to the other group. The two reached the other group and looked at the three.(Goes without saying. It'd be one thing if Willow and Wilson were crossing some obstacle, like a chasm, to join up with these 3. They're not. They're walking a few feet over.) Wilson looked at the blonde girl. She was a little shorter than him, so he had to look down to look her in the eyes.

"What is your name?" Wilson asked in a soft voice.

She looked up at Wilson with a dark stare. Her look gaze was cold and soulless.

"I'm... I'm Wendy..." She said and then looked down at the grass.

Wilson looked back up and then to the man with makeup on. He was roughly his same height, so he could look him in the eye without tilting his head.

"And you are?" Wilson asked, his voice returning to normal.

The man with makeup opened his mouth and attempted to speak, but nothing came out. He closed his mouth and thought for a second. He held up his hand and drew in the air with his index finger the letters W, E, and S.

"Wes, is it?" Wilson asked again to confirm.

The man smiled and nodded, confirming his name. Wilson backed away from the group of three.

"Well, in case you did not hear, I am Wilson, and this is Willow." He stated.

"I am glad you've all met each other. I'm rather disappointed in your progress, I'd imagined you'd meet each other much sooner."(It's Maxwell and these are his playthings. Perfect opportunity for him to play antagonist, even he doesn't wind up being the main antagonist in your story, squandered.) A strange deep voice came from behind.

Everyone turned around to see a tall, slender man in a tuxedo. His hair was jet black, shiny and slicked back. He had both his hands behind his back and was smiling brandishing a devilish sneer, showing exposing his perfect white teeth. Willow's eyes lit on fire, as her hands were engulfed in the blaze. She was obviously angry,(Obviously. Goes without saying.)

"YOU BASTARD, YOU TRICKED US!" She shouted and then charged at the man.

He looked over at the girl on fire, charging at him. He raised a single finger and pushed her back without touching her. She flew back and hit a tree, lighting it on fire.

"Yes, I did trick you. You five were foolish enough to fall for my tricks." He said and looked over at the group.

"Maybe you were tricked because of your hunger for knowledge and power..." He glared at Wilson.

"Or maybe you were tricked because you missed a loved one..."(Trick, trick, trick, trick, trick, etc.) He looked over at Wendy.

"Maybe... maybe you unwillingly chose to sacrifice yourself for the benefits of others." He glanced at Wolfgang.

"Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter anymore. You are trapped here. If you want to escape with your lives, you must band together and think things out through. Get a fire going, before my pet, Charlie, decides to have a little snack. Best get to building a fire before night comes. You see, pal, my little pet wanders this wilderness at night, unstoppable hunger that one, gnashing teeth, dire claws," The man mimicked, a maniacal glint in his eye, "but can't stand the sight of light, nope. Runs off scared every time... or at least just out of the light's touch, heh!"(Needed to play up why the party should fear Charlie and needed to explain why a fire would stop such a terror. Btw, I just now noticed it. Has Maxwell ever said "pal" in your entire work of fiction once thus far? That's a pretty iconic verbal tick he has.) Build a shelter to shield yourself from the rain. Get food, winter is coming, and there isn't much of that when the snow begins to fall." The man said had spoken, and just as quickly as he appeared, he then turned around and ripped open a small portal to a land full of shadows.(Opportunity missed to describe how it looked when Maxwell actually makes a portal and to actually describe how the portal looks, what sounds it makes, etc. I mean these are critically interesting details just simply not addressed.)

"Oh, and one more thing..." He said and then turned around again. "Don't starve..." He said while laughing. He walked into the portal and then the portal shut, but the laughing lingered for a moment after he was gone.

Wilson walked over and helped Willow up. The fire was gone and all that was left was ash. Willow leaned on Wilson to stabilize herself so she didn't fall again(Goes without saying.). Wilson looked over to where the portal was the man had disappeared.

"Man, I hate that guy." Wilson stated.

It's a good effort and I can definitely understand being tired when writing. Moreover, I look forward to reading your next endeavor into the wide world of literature.
Edited by Doctor H. Derp

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negaman    16

Still working on the chapter. The reason for the long delay again is because in my spare time I've been working on a small Role Playing Game. The chapter will come out when I get a chance to finish it up.

A role playing game? Is it about don't starve?

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emerphish    241

write already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!not to be pushy im just really eager cuz it's really good, back to what i was saying before:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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DaverGamer    265

write already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!not to be pushy im just really eager cuz it's really good, back to what i was saying before:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop Spamming.

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emerphish    241

Stop Spamming.

a long message isnt spam right??? im confused how i am spamming if this is my 3rd post, different then the other 2, on 5 pages

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negaman    16

a long message isnt spam right??? im confused how i am spamming if this is my 3rd post, different then the other 2, on 5 pages

The spam was all the !'s.

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emerphish    241

so uhhhhhh is my comp broken or has there really not been a post in over a month?

i keep checking back and there is nothing! i want more of the story!!!

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