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Morgan17

My DS creepypasta(s)

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The last two were pretty good, but the first was excellent! IMO, it can be a tad bit creepier, and try not to overuse cliches, like

"THERE WAS A PIG HEAD THAT WAS CHOPPED OFF IT HAD HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD AND EYES AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH2SPOOKY"

 

Of course, I'm just rambling here.

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ARamblingSpider    1536

The last two were pretty good, but the first was excellent! IMO, it can be a tad bit creepier, and try not to overuse cliches, like

"THERE WAS A PIG HEAD THAT WAS CHOPPED OFF IT HAD HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD AND EYES AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH2SPOOKY"

 

Of course, I'm just rambling here.

THEN A SKELETON POPPED OUT AND SAID BOO.

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23rd    765

You could use a bit more description on why your characters act they way they do (and maybe avoid some of the unnecessary creepypasta cliches as Daver said, the last one would have been perfect without the "Devil himself" thing in my opinion) but these actually flow quite decently. Kudos.

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Morgan17    1305

The last two were pretty good, but the first was excellent! IMO, it can be a tad bit creepier, and try not to overuse cliches, like

"THERE WAS A PIG HEAD THAT WAS CHOPPED OFF IT HAD HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD AND EYES AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH2SPOOKY"

 

Of course, I'm just rambling here.

 

You could use a bit more description on why your characters act they way they do (and maybe avoid some of the unnecessary creepypasta cliches as Daver said, the last one would have been perfect without the "Devil himself" thing in my opinion) but these actually flow quite decently. Kudos.

Thanks guys. I'll use your tips in the next ones I make.

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Battal    9890

The first one was excellent, but the second one...eh.  Jumpscares like red hands popping out of the screen don't really work in stories.  It has to be something that can make a mental picture of something horrible.  Do that, and you've got a good creepypasta.

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ARamblingSpider    1536

The first one was excellent, but the second one...eh.  Jumpscares like red hands popping out of the screen don't really work in stories.  It has to be something that can make a mental picture of something horrible.  Do that, and you've got a good creepypasta.

Reminds me of the "more scary stories to tell in the dark" the stories themselves were hardly scary, But jesus christ those pictures were the perfect mix of disturbing and nightmare fuel.

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Battal    9890

Reminds me of the "more scary stories to tell in the dark" the stories themselves were hardly scary, But jesus christ those pictures were the perfect mix of disturbing and nightmare fuel.

Yes.

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23rd    765

The first one was excellent, but the second one...eh.  Jumpscares like red hands popping out of the screen don't really work in stories.  It has to be something that can make a mental picture of something horrible.  Do that, and you've got a good creepypasta.

DO YOU THINK I PAINT GOOD MENTAL PICTURES OF SCARY THINGS?

 

Ah sh*t, I was trying to be nonchalant but wound up screaming out my desire to have my work critiqued, in someone else's thread no l- hey Lays is coming out with a cookie dough flavored potato chip, I want that.

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Battal    9890

DO YOU THINK I PAINT GOOD MENTAL PICTURES OF SCARY THINGS?

 

Ah sh*t, I was trying to be nonchalant but wound up screaming out my desire to have my work critiqued, in someone else's thread no l- hey Lays is coming out with a cookie dough flavored potato chip, I want that.

You have a title.

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Morgan17    1305

Reminds me of the "more scary stories to tell in the dark" the stories themselves were hardly scary, But jesus christ those pictures were the perfect mix of disturbing and nightmare fuel.

I actually saw one of my piers with that book. Coincidence? I think not.

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