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A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a drink?" The bartender looks up and says "For you, no charge."

What Happens if you drop a piano in a mine shaft? A flat minor.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu. ( Sh*it Zoo)

Edited by beatry
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So Two Strings are in the desert.

First String says, "I am soo thirsty!"

Second Strings says, "look I see a bar!"

So the first string rushes to the bar and enters.

Then ask the bar tender " One glass of water please."

Bar tender looks at the string and says, "We don't server your kind around here!"

The string leaves and tells his friend about it.

Upset and furious, the Second string enters the bar.

He ask the bar tender, " Glass of water please."

Bar tenders replies, " Are you with that other string?"

String Replies, " No sir, I-am-a-frayed-knot."

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of ******* who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of ******* who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again Soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

Steam name : poker134

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

*Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

*Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

*Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

*Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

*Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Thank you! Thank you! Hope it will be better than my past joke.

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A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

not that funny.. i just want the key!

Meowmixman - SteamID

Edited by Semposan
forgot something
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Superman is bored so he wants to go out.He calls Batman but hes out with Robin.Then he calls the Invisible man.But he does not answer. Later Superman flies thru city and he sees with his super eye Wonder Woman in the window completely naked and with legs wide spread. Superman thinks ''If i have supersonic speed I can enter, do my thing and leave.'' So he does that and later when he flies away and he hears Wonder Woman saying : ''What was that?!'' And invisible man replyes : ''I don't know but my ass hurts so much!''

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

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I really hope you are not a girl... :)

A new element added to PERIODIC TABLE :

Name: Girl

Symbol: Gl

Atomic weight: Don't even dare to ask.

Physical properties:

1. Boils at any time,

2. Melts when handled with love and care,

3. very bitter when mishandled.

Chemical properties:

1. Very reactive,

2. Highly unstable,

3. Possesses high affinity to gold, platinum, diamond, branded clothes and other expensive items.


1. Money reducing agent.

2. Volatile when left alone.

Occurrence: Mostly found in front of the mirrors.

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