【novel】Seeking Translation Advice

[Rickzzs]

I would like to translate an unfinished novel,which is in my favor,from Chinese to English.

Below is the beginning.

【novel】what the bosses of seasons have seen

Prologue

Quote

 

‘Pigman now kills you!’

‘pang!’went a deafening noise from the ground.The pigman falling down, a giant of a figure rose up.

‘Ah,I had been in those years the bear whoever is afraid of....How age wears one.’Bearger patted its paw,his eyes gazing at the broken moon hanging lonely in the sky.

Goose...Dragonfly...Deerclops....Where have you been in the world?Ah,I’m gonna seek them,otherwise.....I could barely hold on any more....Bearger ran rushing toward the forests,with woods collapsing from behind.

Doo,doo,doo.Ahah,it’s you again out there, Leif,my dear enemy in all time.But,it is true that,one day I will come to the eventually death;but it is true that you should revive once more.....

Turning back Bearger shot a desperate slam to Leif.It was then that he ,only to find Leif a little child,let out a brief sigh.....

If only at present even the nature has realized it all?That I have grown old......

[the past]’Hi!Brother Dragon!Look at these trees.Were it ablaze in the fire,it must be painfully beautiful~’said Bearger.

‘That’s merely easy as my eye.You wait now!’Dragonfly said as he patted the ground with strength three times,thus the whole froest had been wreathed in full glow of fires......

‘Oh,what beauty!Isn’t it?’

 

Surely I have to deal with some technical problems,and my time is also limited.But I will try my best to keep this progressed.

[minespatch]

So this is in Wilson's perspective?

[Rickzzs]

15 hours ago, minespatch said:

So this is in Wilson's perspective?

It is written in the perspective of Bearger,but mixed with his inner thoughts.

[Rickzzs]

so I would like to ask some questions.

First,do you fully get the words' meaning?

Second,is it still understandable to use sentences without the subject,or just hard to read it?

 

[minespatch]

Yeah, I can read it. IT just needs a bit of proper sentence structure. It's good you're asking for a editor. My fic also needs one, but it's good you're asking here.

[gallusvarius]

17 hours ago, Mr.Rickzzs said:

so I would like to ask some questions.

First,do you fully get the words' meaning?

Second,is it still understandable to use sentences without the subject,or just hard to read it?

Before I say anything else, I personally think the idea of writing from the perspective of a giant is new, and to me, very interesting. The game is very dependent on the wildlife and creatures because your forced to compete with and survive among them, so naturally they need some development and natural behaviors.    Fleshing them out to the point of seeing their minds is also quite interesting, and I would be intrigued to read this.

Others may become more interested as you introduce more of the other creatures and other characters as you write about the Bearger's journey. 

To answer your questions - The wording is a little tricky, I can understand... But it's not easy and takes some contemplation.
Next, I saw no problem with lack of subject or much direct sentence-structured grammar. 

But I'm very interested in the idea. I will take what I believe was your meaning with the words (I probably won't change much) and write it properly for you, so that you can see what a good pattern would be. I will put questionable additions in these: (Parenthesis)

I'm assuming you were aiming for a sort of 'ancient' dialect with the bearger, which seemed fitting, so I will try my best to retain that.
 

Spoiler

"Pigman now kills you!"

"Pang!" Went a deafening noise erupting from the ground. The pigman fell down, as a giant of a figure rose up.

"Ah, I (missed those years when all feared my kind.... How the ages wear one down...)" The Bearger patted its paw, his eyes gazing at the broken moon as it hung (alone) in the sky.

Goose...Dragonfly...Deerclops....Where have you been in the world? Ah, I’m gonna seek them, otherwise.....I can barely hold on any more, as age catches up with me....    The Bearger thought, rushing toward the forests with the outer trees collapsing behind them.

(As he reeked havoc among the trees, a Treeguard/Leif emerged.)

Doo, doo ,doo.(The bearger hummed to itself as it went along, before noticing the Leif.) Aha, it’s you again, Leif, my dear enemy for all of time. But, as I will one day meet inevitable death, of course it is fitting that you should once more revive...

(He remembered this creature, and) Turning back, the Bearger shot a desperate slam to the Leif. (It was only then that he gave them a good look, to find this Leif was small, and young. The bearger) let out a brief sigh.....

Has even now all of Nature realized? That I have grown old......

(Memories of the past flicked by his mind. He sees himself approaching Dragonfly from years ago, supposedly at the edge of a forest.) "Hello, brother Dragon! Look at this great forest around us. Were you to set them ablaze, they would burn vibrantly and beautifully, would they not?" said Bearger.

"Even more beautifully than you could ever imagine, Brother. Behold!" Dragonfly said as he patted the ground with strength three times, thus  causing the whole forest to be wreathed in full glow of flames......

"What a stunning wildfire... Isn't it, Brother?"

 

Edited May 6, 2018 by gallusvarius
Stuff I missed in their writting

[Rickzzs]

On 2018/5/6 at 9:54 AM, gallusvarius said:

Before I say anything else, I personally think the idea of writing from the perspective of a giant is new, and to me, very interesting. The game is very dependent on the wildlife and creatures because your forced to compete with and survive among them, so naturally they need some development and natural behaviors.    Fleshing them out to the point of seeing their minds is also quite interesting, and I would be intrigued to read this.

Others may become more interested as you introduce more of the other creatures and other characters as you write about the Bearger's journey. 

To answer your questions - The wording is a little tricky, I can understand... But it's not easy and takes some contemplation.
Next, I saw no problem with lack of subject or much direct sentence-structured grammar. 

But I'm very interested in the idea. I will take what I believe was your meaning with the words (I probably won't change much) and write it properly for you, so that you can see what a good pattern would be. I will put questionable additions in these: (Parenthesis)

I'm assuming you were aiming for a sort of 'ancient' dialect with the bearger, which seemed fitting, so I will try my best to retain that.
 

  Reveal hidden contents

"Pigman now kills you!"

"Pang!" Went a deafening noise erupting from the ground. The pigman fell down, as a giant of a figure rose up.

"Ah, I (missed those years when all feared my kind.... How the ages wear one down...)" The Bearger patted its paw, his eyes gazing at the broken moon as it hung (alone) in the sky.

Goose...Dragonfly...Deerclops....Where have you been in the world? Ah, I’m gonna seek them, otherwise.....I can barely hold on any more, as age catches up with me....    The Bearger thought, rushing toward the forests with the outer trees collapsing behind them.

(As he reeked havoc among the trees, a Treeguard/Leif emerged.)

Doo, doo ,doo.(The bearger hummed to itself as it went along, before noticing the Leif.) Aha, it’s you again, Leif, my dear enemy for all of time. But, as I will one day meet inevitable death, of course it is fitting that you should once more revive...

(He remembered this creature, and) Turning back, the Bearger shot a desperate slam to the Leif. (It was only then that he gave them a good look, to find this Leif was small, and young. The bearger) let out a brief sigh.....

Has even now all of Nature realized? That I have grown old......

(Memories of the past flicked by his mind. He sees himself approaching Dragonfly from years ago, supposedly at the edge of a forest.) "Hello, brother Dragon! Look at this great forest around us. Were you to set them ablaze, they would burn vibrantly and beautifully, would they not?" said Bearger.

"Even more beautifully than you could ever imagine, Brother. Behold!" Dragonfly said as he patted the ground with strength three times, thus  causing the whole forest to be wreathed in full glow of flames......

"What a stunning wildfire... Isn't it, Brother?"

 

First,Many thanks for your considerate reply!Your words fill me with great motivation to put this task in schedule.So,I would like to ask you for assistance,that is to say,translate this novel into English with more correctly and precisely arranged words,just in case the original thoughts and ideas won't be lost.

Again,many thanks!

Edited June 6, 2018 by Mr.Rickzzs

[gallusvarius]

On 6/6/2018 at 4:26 AM, Mr.Rickzzs said:

So,I would like to ask you for assistance,that is to say,translate this novel into English with more correctly and precisely arranged words,just in case the original thoughts and ideas won't be lost.

I'm flattered you'd ask me. I could, and probably could without changing the story at all, though the way it's written may definitely be added, the arrangement and focus of different details could end up altered - Translated from my eyes, that is, and depending on how long it is... I don't know if I'll have time to do it or not... 

I'm willing to try. But in case I fail, go ahead and ask other people. I don't usually have a lot of time on my hands but this happens to interest me. 

[Rickzzs]

13 hours ago, gallusvarius said:

I'm flattered you'd ask me. I could, and probably could without changing the story at all, though the way it's written may definitely be added, the arrangement and focus of different details could end up altered - Translated from my eyes, that is, and depending on how long it is... I don't know if I'll have time to do it or not... 

I'm willing to try. But in case I fail, go ahead and ask other people. I don't usually have a lot of time on my hands but this happens to interest me. 

Oh,it's OK.I,too,have no more time than do you!(I am a student facing mountains of homework and tests.)So,if it is in your convenience,I'd set a weekly update for this novel,usually on Sunday,and each piece is not longer than one chapter.If you accept it,please leave your contact information(or directly through Forum).

[gallusvarius]

12 hours ago, Mr.Rickzzs said:

If you accept it,please leave your contact information(or directly through Forum).

I will try to translate what is given here. If you don't seen a translation before the next time you're planning to send another, don't send - There is still hope I may still get to the first thing given. 

[Rickzzs]

On 2018/6/9 at 8:38 AM, gallusvarius said:

I will try to translate what is given here. If you don't seen a translation before the next time you're planning to send another, don't send - There is still hope I may still get to the first thing given. 

OK，that's good.I may offer personal files instead of sharing it publicly. 2018.6.30will be the first week to go.See you next Saturday.And I apologize for my absence,for I have to go through the final exams.

[gallusvarius]

13 hours ago, Mr.Rickzzs said:

OK，that's good.I may offer personal files instead of sharing it publicly. 2018.6.30will be the first week to go.See you next Saturday.And I apologize for my absence,for I have to go through the final exams.

That's fine. 
This reminded me again. I will keep this up and not reply to anything until I translate it properly to make me do it.  Not just doing translation but gonna do what I can to make it look professional. This will take some interpretation on my half, as I said. I'd be good if other could read this and give imput, if they think I should have written it differently/didn't probably translate what you intended.

Let's try this out then, hopefully we can get someone else to say something.
 

Spoiler

"Pigman kill you now!" An enraged squall was spat from the frothing snout of a pig-man beast, as it loped forth to strike. It's attempt to fight was rendered futile with a deafening, thunderous rumble erupting from the earth below. Rocks and dust were flung into the air as the pig-man collapsed under the shock... And a much larger figure rose from the dissipating dusts. 
The bearger leaned over and pressed his nose to the fallen creature, taking a good whiff of the scent of it to examine it, for the setting sun did not provide enough light for the eyes alone. 
Afterwards he pulled away again, reminiscing with one heavy paw over the other. Ah... I miss the days when all feared my kind, unlike this one. How the ages wear one down...  The bearger sighed, patting his own paw as he turned his gaze to the void that was the sky, where the broken moon hung lonely and still.
Goose... Dragonfly... Deerclops... Where have you been? The beast released another heavy sigh. I ought to look for them. Age is catching up with me, and I am growing weaker by the day. And with that, he rose to his feet and bounded off into the forest, crashing recklessly through the outer saplings of the forest and crushing them in his wake.

From among the shattered logs of the trees, a guardian of the forest emerged, a leif spirit, rising from it's slumber to confront the bearger whom had toppled it's brethren. The beast had been grunting as he wrestled his way through another thick clutch of trees, only to whip around as his sensitive ears heard the creaking moan of a Leif, as it mourned the death of it's beloved trees. He turned to face it, pulling back his lips to reveal fangs that retained their point, though yellowed with age, and rumbled a terrible growl as a warning. "So a Leif stands from the broken forest once again... You happen to be my oldest enemy, but as this age will one day be my end, you are merely reborn from the will of the forest..." The beager mused among his growls... The towering tree-spirit did not retreat from the warning, but took another slow step closer, and the giant raised his paw and struck it back again. It stumbled back awkwardly, and fresh sap stuck to the claws of the bearger... He brought his paw closer to his face and sniffed it, realizing that this spirit was young, and it's sap still flowed strong through it's branches. It's size was on the small side, though the moon didn't initially provide enough light to tell prior.
The lumbering giant sighed. Even the young of the woods disrespect me. Has all of nature now realized? That I am growing old...
For moment he backed away from the leif as nostalgia filled him, flicks of past memories rushing to his mind.

A memory stood out among them. Where in it, the dragonfly stood at the edge of a growing, green forest, full of healthy pines, and the bearger came forth. "Greetings, Dragonfly! Look at this great forest before us. Were you to set them ablaze, they would burn vibrantly and beautifully... Wouldn't they?" He suggested, and the scaled being seemed to gesture agreement. "Even more beautifully than you could ever imagine... Behold!" The dragonic beast slammed and scorched the earth under foot, swiping scalding claws at the tender outer saplings of the woods. Fire rose up like a blossoming weed and overtook the entire forest, wreathing it's horizon in an fierce glow of flame.

"Beautiful indeed..."

 

Hopefully you'll find this... Edit? Satisfactory. As I said, I gave it more descriptions, it would be good if we had another to read it and make sure it's got the original story fully in tact. 
 

[Rickzzs]

On 2018/6/24 at 6:12 AM, gallusvarius said:

That's fine. 
This reminded me again. I will keep this up and not reply to anything until I translate it properly to make me do it.  Not just doing translation but gonna do what I can to make it look professional. This will take some interpretation on my half, as I said. I'd be good if other could read this and give imput, if they think I should have written it differently/didn't probably translate what you intended.

Let's try this out then, hopefully we can get someone else to say something.
 

  Hide contents

"Pigman kill you now!" An enraged squall was spat from the frothing snout of a pig-man beast, as it loped forth to strike. It's attempt to fight was rendered futile with a deafening, thunderous rumble erupting from the earth below. Rocks and dust were flung into the air as the pig-man collapsed under the shock... And a much larger figure rose from the dissipating dusts. 
The bearger leaned over and pressed his nose to the fallen creature, taking a good whiff of the scent of it to examine it, for the setting sun did not provide enough light for the eyes alone. 
Afterwards he pulled away again, reminiscing with one heavy paw over the other. Ah... I miss the days when all feared my kind, unlike this one. How the ages wear one down...  The bearger sighed, patting his own paw as he turned his gaze to the void that was the sky, where the broken moon hung lonely and still.
Goose... Dragonfly... Deerclops... Where have you been? The beast released another heavy sigh. I ought to look for them. Age is catching up with me, and I am growing weaker by the day. And with that, he rose to his feet and bounded off into the forest, crashing recklessly through the outer saplings of the forest and crushing them in his wake.

From among the shattered logs of the trees, a guardian of the forest emerged, a leif spirit, rising from it's slumber to confront the bearger whom had toppled it's brethren. The beast had been grunting as he wrestled his way through another thick clutch of trees, only to whip around as his sensitive ears heard the creaking moan of a Leif, as it mourned the death of it's beloved trees. He turned to face it, pulling back his lips to reveal fangs that retained their point, though yellowed with age, and rumbled a terrible growl as a warning. "So a Leif stands from the broken forest once again... You happen to be my oldest enemy, but as this age will one day be my end, you are merely reborn from the will of the forest..." The beager mused among his growls... The towering tree-spirit did not retreat from the warning, but took another slow step closer, and the giant raised his paw and struck it back again. It stumbled back awkwardly, and fresh sap stuck to the claws of the bearger... He brought his paw closer to his face and sniffed it, realizing that this spirit was young, and it's sap still flowed strong through it's branches. It's size was on the small side, though the moon didn't initially provide enough light to tell prior.
The lumbering giant sighed. Even the young of the woods disrespect me. Has all of nature now realized? That I am growing old...
For moment he backed away from the leif as nostalgia filled him, flicks of past memories rushing to his mind.

A memory stood out among them. Where in it, the dragonfly stood at the edge of a growing, green forest, full of healthy pines, and the bearger came forth. "Greetings, Dragonfly! Look at this great forest before us. Were you to set them ablaze, they would burn vibrantly and beautifully... Wouldn't they?" He suggested, and the scaled being seemed to gesture agreement. "Even more beautifully than you could ever imagine... Behold!" The dragonic beast slammed and scorched the earth under foot, swiping scalding claws at the tender outer saplings of the woods. Fire rose up like a blossoming weed and overtook the entire forest, wreathing it's horizon in an fierce glow of flame.

"Beautiful indeed..."

 

Hopefully you'll find this... Edit? Satisfactory. As I said, I gave it more descriptions, it would be good if we had another to read it and make sure it's got the original story fully in tact. 
 

I have sent message to you.Can you see that?Why didn't you reply me .....Here I send it again.You could translate it at your spare time,but make sure I get informed a week later.

novel.docx

[gallusvarius]

5 hours ago, Mr.Rickzzs said:

I have sent message to you.Can you see that?Why didn't you reply me .....Here I send it again.You could translate it at your spare time,but make sure I get informed a week later.

Yes, I got it, sorry- I was 'holding on' to it to translate it. It's in another tab on my browser. ^^' 

[Rickzzs]

On 2018/7/8 at 10:51 PM, gallusvarius said:

Yes, I got it, sorry- I was 'holding on' to it to translate it. It's in another tab on my browser. ^^' 

Have you finished your work?Here is another update.

novel.docx