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My Life As A Slurper

Morgan17

By Morgan17,
in [Don't Starve] Art, Music & Lore

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Morgan17

Morgan17

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                                            PROLOUGUE

As Maxwell was sitting in his throne, he thought to himself, these prisoners, especially that stupid mime, have been starving too slow! It's time for a new approach, something I've been wanting to do a long time. As he was creating a beast with legs and a need for hunger, something went wrong. The beast's legs dissapeared, but got insane speed, and was sent into the caves.

Maxwell had created the first slurper:Me. And boy, was I hungry!

 

 

 

 

So, what do you think?

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Blewcheese

Blewcheese

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Maybe you're too used to the off topic section. Things don't get replied to very quickly, and people don't normally post bacon in a thread unless it has already been derailed, or the thread is about bacon. Both of those cases would generally be in the off topic section. Also, there's not much to comment on here, because it's a tad short. If you wrote another few paragraphs, maybe some people could give you feedback.

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Morgan17

Morgan17

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                                     CHAPTER 1:My first feast

As I was wandering through the cave, I kept seeing my brethren, running around, searching for food. Course, we were all hungry. Soon I heard a "klink, klink"off in the distance. I instantly said quietly "FOOD!" So I raced over there, to reveal my main prey, Wilson. I snuck over, but he looked behind his shoulder and asked "What's this?" Soon as I saw his head, I licked my lips in hunger. "Doesn't look hostile like the others...." Then, came my chance. When he was off his guard, I leaped onto his head! "TIME TO STARVE HUMAN!!!!!"

Then why ask me what i think?

 

Terrorbeak: He doesn't know.

Me: SHUT UP TERRORBEAK!

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Morgan17

Morgan17

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                                                 CHAPTER 2: Sooo tired....

After having a yummy feast, I decided to take a nap. So I did, but I had a strange dream. Some chess pieces shaped like batilisks were closing in on a chess piece shaped like me. Then it zoomed out to show Maxwell smiling, only it wasn't Maxwell.  It was Charlie, Maxwell's female assistant back when he was William Carter. She was smiling, showing her sharp teeth. Far off on the board, there were two chess pieces running swiftly, one was Maxwell, the other was Wes. She then said "I hope your happy Maxwell. I'm going to kill the last slurper, the first you ever made. Your loyal monster AND friend will be gone forever." But then, an army of people showed up, surrounding the batilisks, killing them, causing the pieces to explode. Then I awoke, and saw three cave spiders heading towards me. But then. Wes and Maxwell came out of nowhere, burning them with torches. Then I knew. It wasn't a dream. It was the future I saw. Then I rolled into action when more cave spiders appeared!

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Blewcheese

Blewcheese

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Awww, what? "Then I fell asleep again?" C'mon. So many more exciting things you could have said, like "and then I rolled into action!" Or "and then I helped my friends!" These could have been better cliffhangers than what you wrote, because what do I have to look forward to now? More incoherent dreams? Just a note for next time.

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Morgan17

Morgan17

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Awww, what? "Then I fell asleep again?" C'mon. So many more exciting things you could have said, like "and then I rolled into action!" Or "and then I helped my friends!" These could have been better cliffhangers than what you wrote, because what do I have to look forward to now? More incoherent dreams? Just a note for next time.

 

Fixed it.

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Morgan17

Morgan17

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                                      CHAPTER 3: The attack

After fighting those cave spiders (one had a feather hat, didn't kill me, just gave me some food and ran away),I decided to go with the two.

"So, Charlie tricked you into getting stuck in a cave?" "Yep," Maxwell replied. in translation of mime speak, Wes had said (in sign language), "Told me the entire thing. Felt bad for him." "Yeah, I hear ya," I remarked. "Wait, you can translate him?" Maxwell asked surprisingly. "Yep" I replied. Suddenly, some batilisks came out of nowhere, holding slurper pelts in there claws. "Oh no.... it can't be... my brothers are....dead?!!!!"

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Morgan17

Morgan17

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                                                         CHAPTER 4: Sadness and revenge

"Slurper, I'm so sorry...." "Just call me Slurps, and I will have my revenge!!!!" I exclaimed. Fury was filling up inside of me. Soon, a terrorbeak came out of nowhere and possessed me! "Wha-" I tried to say, but instead, I was interrupted and he became my alter ego.

"Don't worry, I can help you get your revenge, Slurps." "Okay?" I said cautiously. Suddenly, those same batilisks appeared. I felt hunger fill up inside of me, and hopped onto the batilisk! "AAAAARGH!" he exclaimed. I did the same to the other. After having a nice snack, I decided to fall asleep. The dream I had was stranger than the last. Instead of Charlie only, Wilson was there too.

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Morgan17

Morgan17

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                                                Chapter 5: Dream 2

"This ends now Charlie! Release my daughter Whitney or else!" Wilson threatened. "Oh you poor fool. Don't you know that I hid her in the same cave I put Maxwell in?" She remarked. She then moved a chess piece on the table towards Wilson. "Take him away, Treeguard. Bring him to the ruins," She commanded evily. "Now, lets see who I should send after the trio this time...."  I suddenly woke up next to a campfire. Wes was cooking some kind of soup. Maxwell was treating a women in her mid teens. She woked up and asked "Where am I? Wes? Maxwell? Why is there a slurper here?" "Could you be Whitney?" "How did you know?" she asked. "I saw your father in my dreams."

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Blewcheese

Blewcheese

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It's pretty good! I'm kind of iffy on the terrorbeak thing, because it just happened so randomly. Also, the quotes are a bit too close together. Take this scene for example:

She woked up and asked "Where am I? Wes? Maxwell? Why is there a slurper here?" "Could you be Whitney?" "How did you know?" she asked. "I saw your father in my dreams."

Now, this is all well and good, but because you are writing in a first person perspective, hearing your character's thoughts, in my opinion, would make the story flow better. Here's how I would do it.She woke up and asked "Where am I?" The girl studied her surroundings. "Wes? Maxwell? Why is there a slurper here?" The girl faced me now, watching me. I could tell she felt threatened. But I knew her. It was odd, but it was as if her name popped into my head. Maybe it was that terrorbeak? Who knows. "Could you be Whitney?" The girl looked at me, surprised. "How did you know?" she asked. I could hear the nervousness in her voice. "I saw your father in my dreams."
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Morgan17

Morgan17

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It's pretty good! I'm kind of iffy on the terrorbeak thing, because it just happened so randomly. Also, the quotes are a bit too close together. Take this scene for example:Now, this is all well and good, but because you are writing in a first person perspective, hearing your character's thoughts, in my opinion, would make the story flow better. Here's how I would do it.She woke up and asked "Where am I?" The girl studied her surroundings. "Wes? Maxwell? Why is there a slurper here?" The girl faced me now, watching me. I could tell she felt threatened. But I knew her. It was odd, but it was as if her name popped into my head. Maybe it was that terrorbeak? Who knows. "Could you be Whitney?" The girl looked at me, surprised. "How did you know?" she asked. I could hear the nervousness in her voice. "I saw your father in my dreams."

 

Thx for the tips

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Morgan17

Morgan17

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                                    Chapter 6: Ruins

"WHAT?!!!" everyone shouted, with the exception of Wes, who, of course, is a mime. "Is he okay?" Whitney asked. I could tell she was worried. "He's fine's, but Charlie had mentioned something about ruins," I told her. Then, Maxwell had a look on his face, like he had remembered something. "The ruins! I remember sending my clockwork minions to guard it! I....don't really know what happened to them."

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