YouKnowWho Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Dear Space Colony Co, I am writing to you because the Space Colony I have purchased has something wrong with it. For one thing, it had portals installed, yet it runs on giant hamster wheels. Another thing, it arrived without a very important part, causing the entire thing to become useless. Oxygen wasn't included. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mobbstar Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 Dear Mr. Toast, We have received your complaint regarding the Space Colony™ you have purchased. 8 hours ago, Youknowwho said: it had portals installed, yet it runs on giant hamster wheels. We understand your problem and will happily solve it on-site. Our maintenance team will, as soon as possible, remove the portals free of charge. 9 hours ago, Youknowwho said: Oxygen wasn't included. If you have purchased a Space Colony™ for Android, this is entirely normal. Should you think that this is a mistake nevertheless, please consider these approaches: De- and reactivate the power supply. Ideally, wait until all life support and pressurization systems are off-line before reenabling. Make sure all pipes are plugged in. This includes water pipes, fuel pipes and tobacco pipes. Check your vents for aliens. In the case you find one, please notify Space Colony Co. and do not alert the authorities directly. Check the hull and plug any potential leeks. Plant a tree. We hope this letter is useful to you. The Space Colony Co. customer service is available on all work days (Venus time) to offer further guidance. Yours sincerely, Space Colony Co. letterhead #038442 Encl. 1 Book: How To Be Happy Without Air Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouKnowWho Posted June 15, 2016 Author Share Posted June 15, 2016 Dear Space Colony Co., Please do not remove the portals. I've fancied up the portal room with a nice carpet, and I'd hate for such interior decorating to go to waste. I've tried out your recommendation, yet I was unable to find any usable dirt to plant the sapling in. I would very much appreciate if you sent some dirt so I am able to breathe. I've read the book "How To Be Happy Without Air" and I have to say, it's fantastic except for one crucial detail. Somehow, this passed over the heads of all the reviewers. It turns out you need air to live. And it also turns out you need air to buy Space Colony Co. products. I'd say that's quite a big flaw, and the author of "How To Be Happy Without Air" should be told of this crucial detail and edit his novel to make it more useful to your customers. Thank you for your time. Mr.Toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyD Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Dear Mr Toast, I am glad you enjoyed my book "How to be happy without air". As you stated some organic life forms require oxygen to survive and Space Colony Co. run their business on you having it to purchase their products. I appreciate your honest review of my book however at this stage an edit would be impossible. I do suggest you try some of my other books "Life in a vacuum" and "101 ways to enjoy decompression deaths". I hope this helps. Yours Sincerly Lady D Writer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouKnowWho Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 Dear Lady D, Thank you for writing back. I have given the books you have suggested to one of my Space Colony's many inhabitants and yet he's still complaining about the lack of Oxygen. Apperently being alive is his favorite hobby, and he's willing to sue. What should I do to avoid losing a large sum of money? Thank you for your time. Mr.Toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyD Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Dear Mr Toast, Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately I can not give you any legal advice, I can suggest that without oxygen he might not be a problem for much longer. You may be interested in some of my other books 'Managing your Minions' and 'Owning a Slave army- A practical guide' Kind Regards Lady D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soto8969 Posted June 16, 2016 Share Posted June 16, 2016 Dear Current Resident of the Space Colony, We have a important message regarding that you should get the new multi-task Mr.Handy by General AtomicsTm, He will do any chores that you command to him!* For only a small payment of $9,019,412.93** you can get your new Mr.Handy ready to serve you!*** Get your Mr.Handy NOW! *Mr.Handy only has 3 pre-programed chores. **4 Payments for 3 years. ***Fuel not included. © General Atomics 2077 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouKnowWho Posted June 16, 2016 Author Share Posted June 16, 2016 Dear Lady D, The books are amazing, but they haven't solved my problem. The occupants of my Space Colony are revolting and destroying the expensive curtains. [C'mon guys, they're expensive!] Do you have any advice to stop them from breaking a window and ruining the entire Space Colony? Thank you for your time Mr.Toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Developer ImDaMisterL Posted June 16, 2016 Developer Share Posted June 16, 2016 Svool, ni. Glzhg Sld wl blf wl? 23-5 8-1-22-5 1 22-5-18-25 19-16-5-3-9-1-12 7-9-6-20 10-21-19-20 6-15-18 25-15-21 1-14-4 20-8-5 9-14-8-1-2-9-20-1-14-20-19 15-6 25-15-21-18 19-16-1-3-5 3-15-12-15-14-25 9-20 9-19 22-5-18-25 12-5-7-1-12 18-5-19-20 1-19-19-21-18-5-4 1-14-4 23-9-12-12 4-5-6-9-14-9-20-5-12-25 14-15-20 5-1-20 25-15-21-18 3-18-5-23 23-5 23-15-21-12-4 8-9-7-8-12-25 1-16-16-18-5-3-9-1-20-5 9-20 9-6 25-15-21 3-15-21-12-4 20-1-11-5 9-20 6-18-15-13 15-21-18 8-1-14-4-19 Gsrh nvhhztv dzh xlwvw uli blfi zmw lfi hzuvgb. Gszmp blf uli gzprmt blfi grnv gl wvxlwv zmw ivzw gsrh. Ru blf ivzoob wl dzmg gsv trug, nvvg nv rm blfi hsrk'h oldvhg uolld, zg 1 ZN Blfi wvzivhg uirvmw, Qzxphlm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyD Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Dear Mr Toast, Thank you again for writing. As suggested before lack of oxygen may be useful to you. In this case breaking a window may result in further oxygen deficits, you may wish to remind the occupants of your space colony of this. The void is deep and endless, waiting to embrace us all. For a guide on jettisoning your colonists into the void please contact Space Colony Co. Kind Regards Lady D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouKnowWho Posted June 17, 2016 Author Share Posted June 17, 2016 Dear Space Colony Co., I am writing to you because Lady D informed me you had a guide to jettisoning my colonists into the void. This would be extremely convenient, because currently my revolting colonists are destroying the barrels of Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, and I don't like that very much because it's extremely expensive. I need to deliver this stuff to pay off the fancy carpets in the portal room. Please write back as soon as you can. I don't have unlimited barrels of the expensive cargo. Thank you for your time Mr.Toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mobbstar Posted June 17, 2016 Share Posted June 17, 2016 Dear Mr. Toast, Remember that you may not rip holes into the hull on purpose, as agreed in the endorsement deal you signed with the purchase or your Space Colony™. It is entirely possible to you to eject unwanted contents without damaging the actual premises: If a Plex Glass® window is available, simply turn the upper screw a few times and you can remove the pane. If an elevator shaft is available, close all other doors and open the maintenance access. You can do all of this using any control panel, no passwords required. In the unlikely event that your colonists are smart enough to seek shelter, acquire a small space ship to bring them to the airlock and follow the last chapter of the enclosed video-documentary. Should all else fail, consider purchasing the Space Colony Co. Cyberorgasnim Upgrade. It will slowly enable all colonists to accept the lack of oxygen and replace the ones that don't. Space Colony Co. Cyberorganism Upgrade is entirely experimental. Space Co. is not responsible for any damage resulting from it. We wish you much luck and a quick resolution. Yours sincerely, Space Colony Co. letterhead #038442 Encl. 1 CD: Aliens Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouKnowWho Posted June 18, 2016 Author Share Posted June 18, 2016 Dear Space Colony Co., I did exactly as you told me, and both the colonists and my barrels of Pan Galatic Gargle Blaster were sucked out into the deep reaches of space. Do you have any advice on getting the barrels back? I need them or else the portal room will look all plain, and I don't want that. Thank you for your time Mr.Toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mobbstar Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Dear Mr. Toast, To retrieve the lost goods, you had best rent a tractor ship. We have good experience with Tug Thug Bros., whom you can contact by regular business mail. Avoid such a scenario in future by installing the Space Colony Cup Holder© XXL to hold your barrel. We have reserved twenty items for a trial order, which we are also conducting already (irrevocable). Thank you for your faith in Space Colony Co. Yours sincerely, Space Colony Co. letterhead #038442 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouKnowWho Posted June 20, 2016 Author Share Posted June 20, 2016 Dear Tug Thug Bros., I would like to rent a tractor ship [Tractor x Tractor] to retrieve some very important cargo. I was informed of your business from the company "Space Colony Co." Please write back to inform me of prices, available options, colors, what is inside the staff vending machine, and if the seats are comfy or not. Thank you for your time. Mr.Toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyD Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 @Asparagus ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asparagus Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Space Courier: Letter for a miss LadyD? Letter: Spoiler Dear @LadyD, I am currently traversing the solar system in search of a suitable asteroid... though this may be a bit sudden, but I will use it to propose to you... for now, please bear with with your job at Space Colony Co. Yours, Asparagus... ... Courier: Spoiler Oh, miss, I'm so sorry... I just noticed I handed you a black letter... ... He must have had a good life... but that letter means that someone found it out in the emptiness of the void... he may be lost in space... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyD Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 *sniffle* I shall continue to work diligently as a writer/secretary until my beloved returns! Dear Mr Toast, Thank you for thinking of Tug Thug Bros, for your tugging needs! We have several different vehicles which may suit your needs. Bargain Bucket of Bolts. A really economic and basic space cargo retriever! The Bargain Bucket comes with a crane, grabber claw and cargo hold. Its available in rust, grime or stained heap of *****. It also comes with an over weight, strongly opinionated and odorous crew- curse words are complimentary. Hiring starts at a low $2000 credits a day! Stable Staple Sally is a mid range space craft with large cargo hold, reasonably polite crew and comes in beige or soothing mint green. The seats are moderately cushioned and the air quality inside is of unremarkable quality. This craft will be so unnoteworthy you will forget it was even there. Hires for $4000 credits a day Luxury Lux's Ludacris craft. With a fully customizable experience, you can choose the gender, age, appearance and species of your staff. There is a full range of optional extras such as leather interiors and exteriors, chrome shoes, velvet airlocks and classical opera orchestra. This beauty will see to your every need and desire including ones you didn't know you had. Rates depend on customization rates but start at a reasonable 1million credits. *All sales are final, payment due upon hiring of craft with security deposit of %60 craft value. Failure to pay may result in loss of property, assets, limbs, family members and life. Kind Regards Tug Thug Bros. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouKnowWho Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 Dear Tug Thug Bros, I would like to rent the Stable Staple Sally in Soothing Mint Green. Before you sent over somebody to work out the payment details, I have a couple questions. One, is there a water cooler? There's no better way to pass time then the old conversations around the water cooler. If you have a water cooler, but no water, then not to worry. I have been to planets that have defied social rules and have put other liquids into their water coolers, and it works just as well. Two, what food can I expect to enjoy during this journey? I am absaloutly tired of steamed klapptoe, and would very much appreciate it if there was something else. Thank you. Thank you for your time. Mr.Toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ysulyan Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Spoiler reading all of this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyD Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 Dear Mr Toast, Thank you for expressing interest in the Stable Staple Sally in Soothing Mint Green. Catering is provided by your choice of third parties. We however recommend Growth Industries, since you are hiring from Tug Thug Bros. they offer a 6% discount. Growth industries has a wide range of options available we have included their details should you wish to contact them regarding this matter. Kind Regards Tug Thug Bros. Enclosed- Contact details Growth Industries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanandLink Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 Dear mom, Hi! How are you doing? I hope you're doing great. So you forgot the shopping list again so I'm just briefly gonna mention that you shouldn't forget ice tea again! That stuff is goooood. Also Izzy is coming back from France on Monday SO I guess I'll pick her up at the train station then. LOVE U Ryan Edit: oops wrong adress ha ha... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidneyBeanBoy Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 My Beloved Son NO PROBS M8 I GOT LOST AND WANDERED INTO TOMMORROW SPACE COLONY CORP TALK ABOUT COINCIDENCES HEY HA HA HA I'M ALRIGHT I GUESS I FORGOT THE TEA BUT I COULD STEAL SOME FROM THE CATERERS THEY HAVE HERE I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'D CARE THEY'RE JUST SITTING IN CRATES Dearest Regards, Mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mobbstar Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Dear Mr. Ryan, Your mother has been found trespassing and stealing expensive substances from our premises. Please pick her up at Sol-b. Bring $20,000 as well. Until your arrival, she will be accommodated in a Space Colony™. Failing to comply may result in a suprise on monday. Further correspondance regarding this subject will be done by our special customer support. Kind regards, letterhead #038442 Encl. 1 strain of hair Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Developer ImDaMisterL Posted June 27, 2016 Developer Share Posted June 27, 2016 All of this reminds me so much of the item descriptions in Risk of Rain... Oops, sorry for breaking the mood. Ignore me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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