minespatch

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    Will probably draw it
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  1. Here's the final draft to Chapter of my fanfic:

    Spoiler

    You'd better find resources before night comes!

    With the sound of a puff of smoke, Jack woke, his sockets blinking to adjust to this new world around him. Besides calm wildlife, he could hear waves nearby.

    Standing up, Jack took notice of the slight vegetation and repeating elements. Twigs, flint, carrots, trees. Something seemed strangely mechanical to the organic arena of items. He could only hum in thought as he reached toward the shoreline.

    Kneeling down, something seemed off. The water had a sense of simulation as well. Sharp and bouncing. Almost having the look of paper. It was as though Jack were standing on a stage for a play but instead of a stage, he was among wildlife.

    He glanced down at his wrist, realizing the soul robber was still on. Whatever corresponded at Spiral Hill had happened. Jack regretted that handshake but now he had to take note of the stranger's message: finding resources.

    Still stuck from where he woke up, Skellington realized that resources were right in front of his face. A bountiful supply with just the right ingenuity could help him succeed for whatever he would encounter this night.

    A sickly bush without any leaves called upon Jack. He shrugged as he pulled it off to get some sticks. Then a few flints out of interest. Yet something caught Jack off in horror as the second flint was picked up.

    There was a list of recipes in his mind. As though he knew them already. Recipes for making axes, pickaxes, and torches. He should have already known how to make these, but this island forced him to stick to what formatted in his mind. A revelation like this made Jack kneel to take this all in for a moment.

    Breathing for a moment, he took his chances taking in what his mind forced... Working to make an axe first - to chop trees.

    The rest of the day seemed pretty successful, spent on taking in whatever resources he needed to make a simple camp. It wasn't the lavish lifestyle he had at home, but he could make this work.

    He glanced up at the sky, noticing more simulated components and fog. It appeared to be sunny, but the sun was just as wooden as the sea. Hanging by a piece of rope and having a mechanical clock look to it. Letters telling him it was just a day. Jack could only glare at this, wishing for his Jack-O-Lantern sun's smile.

    He could only wonder as the foggy sky was turning redder in its change.

    The skeleton crafted a campfire by the afternoon and took leave of his waking area. Wanting to sight-see some of the island he was on.

    Jack traveled through the island, glancing at all the pine and plantlike. The further he got away from the shoreline, the more alone he felt. Birds did keep his mind at peace. Dropping seeds here and there, but not enough to satiate his longing for his civilians. Regretting how exhausted he was from all their eagerness to hear from him.

    Time drenched on quickly on the island. Faster than he expected. Jack glanced up at the emulated sun, seeing the timer reaching the blue colors. He could only wonder as the foggy sky was turning redder in it's change. Jack felt like he had to get back to his camp yet... Something compelled him to go on.

     The soul robber on his wrist was actually starting to glow as the area around him was getting darker. Night falling before he knew. The fact his tool was glowing left Jack to a relief. He didn't have to make a torch after all. Yet the light was limited. His brows furrowed, knowing he'd have to struggle with what limited light he did have. Jack kept his arm at a cocked angle. The angle slightly hurt but it was helpful in his search.

    So on he blindly went on through the island and its growing trees. Hearing rustling noises around in the dark. Jack moved his head at several angles in his concern. Such worry was starting to give his skull phantom pains. Not sure as to where the pain was coming from but it was there.

    He walked faster through the forest. Deeper and deeper in his search for any sentient life. Jack could feel dread in his loneliness, a foreign feeling he never had  before. Thoughts racing through his mind, wondering if the swallowtail-suited man dragged him here to test this weakness.

    With an audial crack of a twig, Jack froze in his journey. The tall skeleton stretched his long fingers in defense. Bringing his arms in front of his face to guard himself from whatever the menace was.

    Another crack.

    Jack turned around. The cracks were showing the origins of a intelligent source not like that of the rabbits from earlier. Such knowledge left Jack finding this to be a blessing and a curse. Only hoping that this source was human and not of a beast.

    His sockets glanced down at remnants of a camp. This was obviously not his doing. The campfire was already charred out. Yet there seemed to be a boiling pot already at use. Someone was already here.

    Jack wanted to smile at this but those twig snaps felt predatory.  He couldn't stay long in this camp or else-

    The final crack caused Jack to spread out his arms in ready to attack.

    The blurred image of a bearded man with a ax loomed over.

    The stranger roared in his strike.

     

    Editor notes:

    Spoiler

    Just read it for a moment. A sec.
    http://forums.kleientertainment.com/profile/848109-minespatch/?status=24134&type=status
    Like we did last time.
    Keeper M - Today at 4:02 PM
    I'm onto it :smiley:
    With the sound of a puff of smoke, Jack woke, his sockets blinking to adjust to this new world around him. Besides calm wildlife, he could hear waves nearby.
    That's my suggestion.
    minespatch - Today at 4:03 PM
    I got it done within one day, especially had to take the cat out of the room. XD;;;
    Thanks, I'll get two notepads out.
    Keeper M - Today at 4:04 PM
    * Standing up, Jack took notice of the slight vegetation and repeating elements. Twigs, flint, carrots, trees. Something seemed strangely mechanical to the organic arena of items. He could only hum in thought as he reached toward the shoreline.

    Kneeling down, something seemed off. The water had a sense of simulation as well. Sharp and bouncing. Almost having the look of paper. It was as though Jack were standing on a stage for a play but instead of a stage, he was among wildlife.*

    I love this fragment, it's very clever. Additionally, it both describes HERE and gives insight into how Jack thinks.
    minespatch - Today at 4:04 PM
    It was my reaction when I played the game. XDD
    Keeper M - Today at 4:04 PM
    Jack regretted that handshake but now he had to take note of the stranger's message: Finding resources. - I would use a lower-case F :smiley:
    minespatch - Today at 4:05 PM
    So this is basically a shameful self-insert fanfiction of how I played it. |P
    Thanks, a sec, I'll make two notes.
    Keeper M - Today at 4:05 PM
    It's anything BUT shameful :hugging:
    I really like what I'm reading.
    minespatch - Today at 4:05 PM
    I'll also make a note for editor notes.
    Keeper M - Today at 4:07 PM
    A relevation like this made Jack kneel to take this all in for a moment.

    Breathing for a moment, he took his chances taking in what his mind forced... working to make an axe first - to chop trees.

    The rest of the day seemed pretty successful, spent on taking in whatever resources he needed to make a simple camp. It wasn't the lavish lifestyle he had at home, but he could make this work.
    minespatch - Today at 4:08 PM
    I keep being clingy to the word Resources. |P
    Keeper M - Today at 4:08 PM
    This is my proposition, there was one letter which Shift unnecessarily capitalised, an axe, plus a little suggestion to make the sentences clearer, which you can tweak further or discard.
    It's a nice word :smiley:

    minespatch - Today at 4:09 PM
    Give me a moment to fix that.
    Keeper M - Today at 4:10 PM
    Take your time. I'll read on.
    He glanced up at the sky, noticing more simulated components and fog. It appeared to be sunny, but the sun was just as wooden as the sea. Hanging by a piece of rope and having a mechanical clock look to it. Letters telling him it was just a day. Jack could only glare at this, wishing for his Jack-O-Lantern sun's smile.
    He could only wonder as the foggy sky was turning redder in its change.
    minespatch - Today at 4:11 PM
    ahhh
    Thanks, that small change helps.
    NEW MESSAGES
    Keeper M - Today at 4:12 PM
    I am glad if I can contribute a tiny bit to such a lovely story.
    Thoughts racing through his mind, wondering if the swallowtail-suited man dragged him here to test this weakness.
    With an audible crack of a twig, Jack froze in his journey.

    I think it's ready to go :smiley:
    minespatch - Today at 4:14 PM
    Again, it's a small chapter but I want to get the reader a idea of what's happening while also not wanting to waste the reader's time.
    OH!
    I just remembered.
    The ending I felt was unnecessarily rushed and frozen.
    I needed help with the ending.


    Keeper M - Today at 4:17 PM
    You could stall this by having Jack find traces of inhabitation first if you want.
    Or perhaps have him return to the campfire, then night sets, and Wilson bumps into him in the last moment before Charlie strikes?
    minespatch - Today at 4:18 PM
    Ahhhh, thanks. I wantedto end it with a sharp introduction of Wilson about to strike Jack as a cliffhanger but I felt like I rushed in too fast.
    Keeper M - Today at 4:18 PM
    Ah, if you'd like to visit our DST server for an hour or so, The Taste of Canadian Lumber is on :smiley:
    minespatch - Today at 4:19 PM
    Wilson having a proper introduction is the point of chapter three. But right now I wanted the second chapter to be on Jack's isolation since he's a sociable person.
    Sorry, no can do, my laptop can't handle DST unforntuately. ;n;...

    For chapter 2, I should probably do a third edit status so we can get back on this when you're ready.
    Thanks so much for the editing notes again.


    Keeper M - Today at 4:22 PM
    It's my pleasure!
    minespatch - Today at 4:23 PM
    Sounds like you're going to be busy, so I'll work on the ending of chapter two and we can get back on this. ^^ I'll try to publish the chapter by the end of this week,
    Keeper M - Today at 4:24 PM
    Nah, don't worry, chat on :smiley:
    I'm just having a bit of relaxation after work now.
    minespatch - Today at 4:24 PM
    Oh, okay. -hug-
    Keeper M - Today at 4:24 PM
    Ah, writing quotes for <default>.
    Hugs!
    minespatch - Today at 4:24 PM
    Then let me finish sometwo or three paragraphs and I think we'll be good to go.
    Should the remnants of a camp be before the final crack?
    Keeper M - Today at 5:02 PM
    I think so.
    But it's your choice.
    minespatch - Today at 5:02 PM
    I like your idea about the camp, just need to add that and it should be way more natural.
    Keeper M - Today at 5:04 PM
    I'd have Jack wander, stumble upon some traces of activity, then return, worried.
    minespatch - Today at 5:04 PM
    Adding that right now.
    His sockets glanced down at remnants of a camp. This was obiously not his doing. The campfire was already charred out. Yet there seemed to be a boiling pot already at use. Someone was already here.

    Jack wanted to smile at this but those twig snaps felt predatory.  He couldn't stay long in this camp or else-
    This is what I added.
    Keeper M - Today at 5:26 PM
    Yes!
    Just have obviously, Word deleted one letter.
    minespatch - Today at 5:26 PM
    whoops!(edited)
    Just need help with that final phrase:
    Finding a crazed bearded man lunging after him.
    I want a cliffhanger but what I wrote felt way too abrupt.
    Keeper M - Today at 5:40 PM
    Hmm... Let me mull over this for a bit.
    minespatch - Today at 5:40 PM
    Sure thing. Like I said, I want to finish publishing this by the weekend. You do what you need to do. ^^
    Keeper M - Today at 5:43 PM
    Jack has a campfire now, right?
    minespatch - Today at 5:44 PM
    "
    The skeleton crafted a campfire by the afternoon and took leave of his waking area. Wanting to sightsee some of the island he was on."
    Yup
    Keeper M - Today at 5:56 PM
    Then let's have the cliffhanger as a humanoidal shadow looming over him, and an insanity-driven scream!
    minespatch - Today at 5:57 PM
    Ah, with italics. :wink:(edited)
    Keeper M - Today at 5:57 PM
    :smiley:
    minespatch - Today at 5:58 PM
    The blurred image of a bearded man with a ax loomed over.

    Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuugh!
    Actually how should the scream go? XDDD;;;;
    Keeper M - Today at 6:30 PM
    Hehe, I'd just state there was a scream and let the reader self-insert what they feel is scary, but you choose!
    minespatch - Today at 6:30 PM
    Ah, that sounds way less cheesy than my take.
    Thanks.
    Keeper M - Today at 6:31 PM
    Yours isn't cheesy :smiley:
    It might be more Wilson-y than mine.
    minespatch - Today at 6:32 PM
    The stranger's roared in his strike.
    I ended it with that since Jack doesn't seem like one to scream.
    Keeper M - Today at 6:32 PM
    Yes!
    minespatch - Today at 6:32 PM
    I'd probably more like blurt a yelp but I'm not jack. XD;;;
    I removed the apostraphy.
    So now I just need to post this as a status with flourishes and then make some art to accompany like my last chapter.

    You can read the first draft here.