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minespatch    67,393

editor notes:

Spoiler

How can I help?
minespatch - Today at 4:27 PM
Oh, heyo!
Yeah, did you read my story?
Keeper M - Today at 4:29 PM
I need a link, Discord's been glitching for me since Neon's... well.
minespatch - Today at 4:29 PM
http://forums.kleientertainment.com/profile/848109-minespatch/?status=23577&type=status
I haven' officialized it, I'd like criticism before I make it official.
Keeper M - Today at 4:30 PM
Will read it with pleasure!
In the bed, a nice stage for a good read :smiley:
minespatch - Today at 4:30 PM
I'll read your story after I finish my Maxwell transparency sheet.
Keeper M - Today at 4:32 PM
My stories are nothing worth your time, sadly.
minespatch - Today at 4:32 PM
But I enjoyed the one that introduced Charlie's stage.
I also need it for context for the Wolfgang comment., XDD
"Bare chested Wolfgang calender"
Keeper M - Today at 4:33 PM
If a person I thought a real friend suddenly states she doesn't care, I don't think they are anything but rubbish.
Hehe, <default> and his Wolfgang art :)
minespatch - Today at 4:33 PM
I meant you're questioning me about if I read the "in like a lion" story, so I need some context, I pinned the story so I'll read it.
Keeper M - Today at 4:34 PM
I don't mean to annoy you. Honestly.
I'm reading the story you sent me now, actually - couldn't keep myself off it.
It was another Halloween come and was almost over, the huge grand guignol of the town had turned silent to the skeleton's relief.
How about changing it a little bit to adjust the narration's pace?
With another Halloween almost over, the huge grand guignol of the town had turned silent - [much] to the skeleton's relief.(edited)
Just a proposition.
minespatch - Today at 4:38 PM
Ohhh alright. I felt something was off.
Keeper M - Today at 4:39 PM
There are some similar sentences which could be reworded if you'd like.

Heading home, Jack went to sit on his bed in thought. The lack of inspiration caused him to stoop. Chin resting on his hands as the hours drifted by. => Heading home, Jack went to sit on his bed in thought, the lack of inspiration causing him to stoop, the chin resting on his hands as the hours drifted by.

Then- A odd static sound could be heard. Causing Jack to stiffen in confusion. His head turned. Eye sockets widening to the sound of a radio. => Then... A odd static sound could be heard. Causing Jack to stiffen in confusion [no less [[because the pause between them suggests a little hitch of breath if you catch my drift]]]. His head turned, eye sockets widening to the sound of a radio.
"Hello...?" Jack tried to play it's game. - here, you don't want the it's, but its, since it is a possessive determiner. The game played by the radio, after all ;)
minespatch - Today at 4:41 PM
You mind if I copypaste your edits into the new draft?
Keeper M - Today at 4:41 PM
Never :)
minespatch - Today at 4:41 PM
Alrighty, I also changed the brackets to parenthesis.
Taking a page from Connolly's Gates series.
He tends to think out loud in his narrations. XDD
Keeper M - Today at 4:42 PM
:)
I like this one.
"Oh. I do. Trying to find new scares. It's... Not as fun as it used to be." Jack rubbed the back of his neck with a look of regret to the floor. The radio got to him and he couldn't help but agree.
It's just so nice.
minespatch - Today at 4:43 PM
Thanks. ^^
Keeper M - Today at 4:43 PM
Don't mention it, I find it cute.
minespatch - Today at 4:43 PM
I feel bad I plagiarized the opening scene from Oogie's revenge but I needed the explanation for the Soul Robber to be used in the story.
Keeper M - Today at 4:44 PM
Jack quickly denied. Waving a hand in disagreement. - I would just merge these two sentences into one with a comma in the middle.
minespatch - Today at 4:44 PM
I tend to overdo it on Commas. XDD
There's a tv tropes page about that bad habit.
Keeper M - Today at 4:44 PM
In what manner ;) ?
minespatch - Today at 4:45 PM
I guess it's not obvious then I'm watching myself carefully then. XDD
Keeper M - Today at 4:46 PM
He headed over to his dear friend Doctor Finklestine's laboratory to seek consul. - I think he sought counsel rather than a consul, but I might be wrong :)
minespatch - Today at 4:46 PM
Whoops!
Dammit firefox
Keeper M - Today at 4:46 PM
Word loves such hiccups :)
Don't you worry about it.
minespatch - Today at 4:46 PM
Gotcha.,
Keeper M - Today at 4:49 PM
Aww, I got to the part where Jack and Dr are chatting so amicably :smiley:
The doctor asked while gazing into his advanced microscope. Multitasking as Jack's confidence came back again. - one sentence. Gerunds work best as part of a sentence.
minespatch - Today at 4:49 PM
Would a comma work?
Keeper M - Today at 4:50 PM
Definitely.
Oh, look, in this part, the pauses between sentences work great, because they create a sense of suspence: The good doctor reached under his table, picking up a fairly large glass container. Its contents being something eldritch. Alive.
minespatch - Today at 4:52 PM
Ah... Okay. I think my friend's way of writing got into me there.
Keeper M - Today at 4:52 PM
I like this fragment a lot.
Makes my hackles rise.
BRB
minespatch - Today at 4:52 PM
I roleplay with a friend so her writing might have subconsciously go- Ah, okay, see you in a moment.
Keeper M - Today at 4:53 PM
Looking forward to more, the thing is sweeet.
Not quite sure about what you mean here: * Jack gingerly outstretched a hand to the lid. Fingers trying to be careful. The doctor pressed on. "I'm sure it will come in handy." Agreeing to the reassurance, Jack placed his hand on the lid. Not finding it as difficult as he perceived it to be.

Like a leech, it sprang onto his arm. Clutching tight for dear life. Jack was taken back. Giving a 'oh' of surprise. Yet nothing of anger, rather the opposite.*
minespatch - Today at 4:56 PM
Alright, this is exactly why I needed help, if it does make sense to you, then we can fix this.
Keeper M - Today at 4:56 PM
Clearly Jack was taken aback, then we could combine some sentences, OR add something else after Clutching tight for dear life.
And I would change the lid to something else. Maybe he reached out for the jar first?
minespatch - Today at 4:57 PM
Yeah, that would work.
IT's a glass container with a lid but go on.
Keeper M - Today at 4:58 PM
So maybe this way:

Jack gingerly outstretched a hand to the jar, the fingers hesitant, trying hard to be careful. The doctor pressed on. "I'm sure it will come in handy." Agreeing to the reassurance, Jack placed his hand on the lid, suddenly not finding it as difficult as he perceived it to be.

Like a leech, it sprang onto his arm. Clutching tight for dear life. Jack was taken back, letting out an 'oh' [OR: letting out a gasp] of surprise. Yet nothing of anger, rather the opposite.
minespatch - Today at 4:59 PM
That feels less cluttered.
Thanks.
Keeper M - Today at 7:53 PM
Let's see more. I can't sleep, I'm too sad.
Opening the link on my phone now.
minespatch - Today at 7:53 PM
Sad? ;A;
Keeper M - Today at 7:53 PM
Yeah.
minespatch - Today at 7:54 PM
What happened? :frowning:
Keeper M - Today at 7:55 PM
My eyes had been opened to the ugliness of my blindness and stupidity.
minespatch - Today at 7:56 PM
HUH????
Wait, what?
What lead to this?
Keeper M - Today at 7:58 PM
"Amazing!" The pumpkin King pleasantly exclaimed at the soul robber's display. He turned to find Finklestine driving away in his wheel chair to give himself space to look at  Jack. - nice, but I would suggest a small letter in king (or fully, the Pumpkin King), and there is no space in wheelchair.
minespatch - Today at 7:58 PM
Ah, okay.
Thanks, I'll fix that.
Keeper M - Today at 8:01 PM
I ought to finish proofreading your story instead of whining.
minespatch - Today at 8:01 PM
Tell me what's wrong.
I need some context.
Keeper M - Today at 8:03 PM
I would combine this into a single sentence. OR put the second one into a new paragraph for emphasis. Though with just a second, the man finally moved. Head tilting with a subtle meanness to it.
You're too kind, Mines.
I'd hate to burden you.
minespatch - Today at 8:04 PM
IF something's bothering you, you should let it out rather than let it build up inside.
Keeper M - Today at 8:04 PM
This is great: The tall man walked up to Jack. Hands behind his back as though he had a regal air about him. Jack could only notice now that the man looked like a twisted reflection of himself. Thin limbs, a swallow tail coat... Jack shook his head, trying to ignore the observation.

"I can give you what you want, just give me your hand." The stranger outstretched his arm out to Jack. He smirked with a cold stare. Pupils so tiny and black, it paled to the expressive wide sockets of Jack's. Yet they wouldn't look away from Jack's position.
minespatch - Today at 8:05 PM
Whenever I'm sad, I talk to myself alone like a therapist to figure out what is wrong.

Yeah... I have intense thoughts about Maxwell and it's not positive. ;u;(edited)
Keeper M - Today at 8:05 PM
This is very prolific, I think.
I write to live. But now all I get is sheer darkness. I cannot write just the sadness.
"For a man who loves fear, you're not really appreciating what I have to offer." "This is different. Not when I don't know who I'm deaing with." "True. Yet you're not listening. I can give you what you want with no consequences. Just trust me."
I would put Maxwell's response to Jack in a new line.
And dealing, a typo got there.
minespatch - Today at 8:06 PM
Oh, like I did with the radio comments. Which typo?
Keeper M - Today at 8:07 PM
Dealing.
The L went missing in action.
minespatch - Today at 8:07 PM
whoops! Thanks@
I was writing this in one sitting.
Keeper M - Today at 8:08 PM
All is fine!
The stranger's hand outstretched again. "Just trust me."
I like this a lot, but you outstretch a hand, it doesn't quite feel right the other way around. I would propose "the stranger's hand reached out again [askingly]".
minespatch - Today at 8:09 PM
Ahhh, sounds way more natural.
I keep abusing "arm outstretching" a lot. XDD
Keeper M - Today at 8:11 PM
No, it's not like that. But you can outstretch a hand or stretch it out for variety :).
minespatch - Today at 8:11 PM
Your edit feels natural though.
Keeper M - Today at 8:12 PM
If so, I'm happy.
minespatch - Today at 8:12 PM
Yeah! I'm looking forward taking your edits and replacing the old parts into the new. After you're done, I just need help with the beginning.
Keeper M - Today at 8:13 PM
A silent minute passed. Jack's body stiff in the confrontation. Giving in, a shaky arm outstretched to the stranger. Taking the hand with uncertainty.
minespatch - Today at 8:13 PM
Outstretch abuse. |D
Keeper M - Today at 8:13 PM
I would rewrite it a bit.
Two options.
Number one: merging it into a few sentences.
*A silent minute passed, Jack's body stiff in the confrontation. Giving in, a shaky arm reached out to the stranger, taking the hand with uncertainty..
Number two: we write each action as a scene.
minespatch - Today at 8:15 PM
I prefer option 1.
The elipsies helps too with the tension.
Keeper M - Today at 8:16 PM
Could be.
Number two would basically split the sentences as above, like you were seeing photos.
minespatch - Today at 8:16 PM
Ohhh
Keeper M - Today at 8:17 PM
Within one silent minute, time slowed down, leaving separate images behind.
Jack's body, stiff in the confrontation.
Giving in after a while feeling longer than it really was.
A shaky arm reaching out to the stranger.
With uncertainty, taking the hand.
Each has its own paragraph.
Like you built a staircase.
The hand at the very end for added impact.
minespatch - Today at 8:19 PM
I should probably bold the word "hand"?
Keeper M - Today at 8:20 PM
I don't think so.
In normal text, you use italics for emphasis and a hint how to modulate your voice, and bold just for special speech.
minespatch - Today at 8:21 PM
Ah, okay.
Keeper M - Today at 8:21 PM
My shadow!Charlie talks in bold.
NEW MESSAGES
Keeper M - Today at 8:21 PM
It's up to you, of course.

minespatch - Today at 8:22 PM
No, it's fine, I did the same for the radio.


Keeper M - Today at 8:23 PM
The radio works great with bold!
Oh.
Before he knew it, the shadows from the epithets and the hill stretched out to Jack. The pumpkin king tried to fight the man's grip by wrestling the arm free, but not even the soul robber could protect him. He tried to walk back to pry the hand free but the grinning stranger just stood there without even moving.
I would swap the free phrases for something else to avoid repetition. A comma before but is welcome too, though not obligatory.
Maybe pry the hand off? That's a... handy... phrasal.
minespatch - Today at 8:24 PM
I'll try that.
I agree, too much depending on the word free is bad.
Keeper M - Today at 8:26 PM
It's not about that, just repetition.
A good rule is not to repeat a content word without a break of at least two other sentences.
minespatch - Today at 8:27 PM
I try but that's what a editor is for. ;)
Keeper M - Today at 8:29 PM
Jack's eyes gazed as the shadows crawled up his body like hands. Slithering up quickly to devour him. Skellington knew he couldn't escape this as he felt his body lower into the dirt. His sockets watching the grinning stranger stare down.
Nicely done. I'd just make two sentences out of the part though.
minespatch - Today at 8:29 PM
Which sentences?
OHhh
Got it.
Keeper M - Today at 8:30 PM
1 and 2, then 3 and 4.
And please post it as a separate thread, you write Maxwell so well!
minespatch - Today at 8:30 PM
Yeah, Net told me too.
I'm looking forward to doing more illustrations in the future too.
Keeper M - Today at 8:30 PM
Net has a thing for writing. A sense.
minespatch - Today at 8:31 PM
Really want to grow Wilson and JAck's friendship and tragedy of Wilson sitting on the throne when they free MAxwell.
Keeper M - Today at 8:32 PM
Aww.
But they reunite, right?
minespatch - Today at 8:32 PM
Yeah, I did a picture about that. A sec. LEt me find it.)
Keeper M - Today at 8:32 PM
Great!
minespatch - Today at 8:35 PM
http://forums.kleicdn.com/monthly_2016_12/584fba7211bf2_Jackfindstriumphantwilson.png.5755b800071b2badcb80165983f99251.png


I kind of imagine Jack trying to make Wilson remember who he was despite the Wilson on the throne being himself. Same applies to Maxwell, right?
Keeper M - Today at 8:36 PM
Aww...
You just make my head flood with every time I died for her, shivered in the cold, balanced right on the edge of starvation and death, and all - all to learn she doesn't care and never has.
minespatch - Today at 8:37 PM
HUH???
Willow?
Wendy?(edited)
Keeper M - Today at 8:39 PM
Webber. And Fortie. Well, Fortie is a girl, Webbs - a boy.
minespatch - Today at 8:39 PM
Ohhhhh the rping.
Got it.
Keeper M - Today at 8:39 PM
But you can't fully separate method acting from yourself.
minespatch - Today at 8:40 PM
Gotcha. ;)
I need a bit of help with the beginning. Fridge's comment was what I feared. XDD
Keeper M - Today at 8:49 PM
What can I do?
And yes, her cruel behaviour makes me miserable, you've got me.
minespatch - Today at 8:49 PM
Fridge mentioned how he/she wasn't familiar with Nightmare Before Christmas. I wanted to make the story accessable for fans of both fandoms.
Unfortunately it seemed my worry came true even though I'm pretty much satisfied with the story.
Keeper M - Today at 8:50 PM
The story is good.
I wouldn't change it.
minespatch - Today at 8:51 PM
Alrighty. I'll work on the edits with your notes and make thread. I'll probably make the thread after I finish the digitalized illustration.
Keeper M - Today at 8:51 PM
Not everybody needs to know a fandom. Start with a prologue containing a quick ljnk to some wiki etc.
minespatch - Today at 8:52 PM
truuue, that or they can watch the movie. :stuck_out_tongue:
Keeper M - Today at 8:52 PM
Or that.
minespatch - Today at 8:55 PM
Thanks so much. I'll make a new status and tag you.
Since you edited it.

First draft

final draft

Edited by minespatch
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minespatch    67,393

Edited by: @Ambarina and Kay Ember

Chapter 3: Misunderstandings between scientists
 

As though his wrist had a mind of its own, Jack used the Soul Robber's whipping function to dart at the stranger leaping toward him.
 

Jack's back arched in his stance, keeping a distance as the robber curled around the stranger’s beard. Wringing tight until forcing a hard smack into the ground, leaving the hairy stranger to groan weakly in the impact. The skeleton tried pulling his wrist back to motion the robber to loosen. Jack wasn't exactly used to his weapon.


59ee42704593d_20171022p2-Skellingtonbeckoningahandtowilson.thumb.png.bafa886e8cfbde280e5fe06db1f45f0c.png

Being cautious, Jack took a few steps forward. A hand on his chest to brace himself while his head tilted in the twilight of night approaching. The violent stranger's groans lingered with the pain that was given.

Trying to lift his head up, the bearded man's eyesight was blurred. Such a hazy vision of the figure presented in front of him looked as tall as the swallow tail-suited man, but the white elements shone more than anything on the island. A green image on the figure caused the man to hiss a little in terrified pain, remembering what caused the pain in the first place.

"Wait, wait, wait- Don't move." Jack tried to reassure the man. The skeleton could see from closer inspection that this man wore a red vest with a white shirt rolled up by the sleeves. His arms right up to the fingers looked like they were scorched but he couldn't tell by the light. Especially the night was looming, to Jack's concern. "We can't stay here. Here". He offered a hand to the red-vested stranger.

Grimacing with pain, the vested stranger couldn't tell if this was a trick or finally hope in the forest. Both men had been dealing with such cruel isolation, it left the vested man’s only chance to take the hand and see if this was a safe solution.

"Who... Are you?" A New England accent left the vested man's voice. Gaining a step up with the helping pull from Jack hand. Skellington pursed his lips at the shock from hearing the voice coming from his attacker. Letting go of the stranger's hand. "Skellington. Jack Skellington. Nightmare King-"

The stranger took a step back in concern. "A king you say?" His breathing picked up with the stress. "Why should I trust you?" "I don't want to hurt you. Really. If you're like me, you heard a voice asking to pick up things before night, right?" Jack motioned his hands in a theatrical way as he spoke. The question was familiar to the vested man. "That is true. I know the voice you speak of." He coughed to maintain a sense of regained dignity before standing to a proper stance. "We'll need to get a fire going. Night will kill us."

"Night will... What?" Jack did a double take. Glancing away from Jack, the stranger quickly plucked a few flowers from the ground. Each pull made the man sigh with relief before bringing the petals to a firepit behind Jack. He knelt down once the fire started going. "What a relief..."

"What's your name?" Jack asked as he sat next to the stranger. The flames revealed the wild curls from the massive head of hair from the man. Turning his head, the bearded man took a moment to realize who the tall figure was. He had seen a lot so far on the fourteen days or more on the island yet... Jack was a new one for him. Gulping, he forced a smile. "Wilson P. Higgsbury."

"Well Wilson, it's a pleasure to meet you!" Boundless amount of optimism bounced out of Jack. Shaking Wilson's hand wildly. It almost scared Wilson with how cheerful Skellington was acting during such a violent time. Once the handshaking stopped, Wilson regained composure. "Likewise..."

"Still... IF it weren't for those flowers, I'd be seeing eyes right now." Wilson hugged his legs, shivering at the memory of when the last time it happened. Jack wasn't sure what to make of Wilson's terrified staring into the fire. "So, that's why you made sounds when picking them up?" "Yes. The more your mind hurts on this island, the louder and harder it is to ignore the manifestations that hide on this land." "Sounds fun." Jack perked.

Doing a double take, Wilson slowly turned his head. He held back from shouting or doing anything that could cause attention from anything that could kill them. It was autumn after all. They were safe so far.

"Jack, what are you talking about...?" "In my land, horror is what makes life fun!" Jack's constant optimism was scattered through his speech. "Halloween Town is a place where we work together to make plans for the best Halloween. You should really see it if we get out of here."

Wilson kept staring at Jack. Keeping that uncertain look, he could tell from Jack's face that there was honesty from it. Yet a land of terror was not for him. "I appreciate the offer but... The woods in North America are for me. I long for my cabin." Higgsbury sighed, hugging his legs tighter.

"If it weren't for that blasted Radio... I'd have failed on my own merits as a scientist. No need for help from MAGIC. Blech." He sneered at the word. Such dialogue left Jack confused. "Radio? How odd. A radio talked to me the night before I was taken to the island."

Gulping at such a description, Wilson turned his head again in shock. "Was it a Voxola?" "Yes...?" "A PR-76?!" "The same!"

A silence dwelled between the two. Such information for the long night left them pondering. "Jack, how did you end up here?" "I was needing inspiration. The radio caught me off guard and told me about finding ways to improve Halloween. I originally declined. Yet at night... A man tried to buy my trust with a handshake, forcing me into the shadows."

A murmured hum left Wilson's lips. "Different from my experience with the man you speak of. Never did see him. Only a fragment of a few images in my mind. He asked me to build a machine once he gave me 'forbidden knowledge'. What a trick that was. Now I'm in the same predicament you are."

Jack could only nod. "I could only imagine what that machine is for. He didn't even make me do that. Otherwise I'd go to Doctor Finklestine for tools and equipment to make it."

Pouting with confusion, Wilson did a double take. "Who...?" "Doctor Finklestine! A man of profound vision! A great man. He helps me with my inventions-" "Did you say inventions?!" Wilson beamed a smile. Jack nodded haphazardly. "The very best!" "You speak my language!" Higgsbury forgot to keep his voice low. Finding a kinship with this 'king' of sorts.

59ee42c38b636_SkellingtonISlandchapter3discussingbyfirepit.png.07fcc35cfa94c0ebb7070f1f362204e9.png

Sighing with relief as the conversation mellowed, Wilson got up to grab a few more flowers to add fuel to the fire. "Judging by the reaction of the night, this is your first day on the island. You'll need to immediately craft axes and picks by tomorrow. I can do what I can with my base but I won't be able to carry your load." "Sounds reasonable." Jack stood as well, limbering his body. "Yet that doesn't mean I can pitch in to help when things get tight." "That is true."

Approaching Jack, Wilson stared at the robber. He rubbed his beard while figuring out what kind of alien source that thing was made of. "What... What exactly did you do to me back there?" "This thing?" Jack lifted his wrist up in interest. "It's a soul robber. Might have a mind of its own but I haven't got the knack of it yet." Despite being a skull, his face did shift with emotion, looking miffed at the green weapon.

59ee42da18474_SkellingtonISlandchapter3soulrobberdiscussion.png.f6944240b95adb5f1873895d93cc6c04.png

"That will be a problem. Yet..." "Yes?" Jack pricked his head up at Wilson's comment. The scientist rose a brow. "Tomorrow as we gain items preparing for whatever lies ahead, we can test that... Thing out." "It'll be worth a shot! Good thinking. Who knows how long we'll be in here." Jack turned his head side to side with uneasiness, feeling like he was being watched.

Wilson brought out a hand. "Tomorrow." "Tomorrow." Jack took it, shaking it earnestly. The paranoia was easing off as the trust from Wilson caused him to have hope.

59ee42ce19529_SkellingtonISlandchapter3handshakebymorning.png.14473efa98c173e6dfc5881b3e233989.png

To be continued...

editor notes:

Spoiler

minespatch - Today at 1:44 AM
I need some help and since you're a Don't starve fan, maybe you can help me. ^^
Kay Ember - Today at 1:44 AM
Sure!
minespatch - Today at 1:45 AM
I'm working on the third chapter of my fanfiction and maybe you can help with the ending of the third chapter?
Kay Ember - Today at 1:47 AM
I'd love to(edited)
minespatch - Today at 1:48 AM
Let me hand you the txt of what I've done so far. IT's a Don't Starve/Nightmare Before Christmas crossover.
untitles.txt
6.27 KB
Kay Ember - Today at 1:48 AM
Unfortunetly I haven't seen TNBC
minespatch - Today at 1:48 AM
I kind of got stuck due to Jack Skellington and Wilson squeeing over inventing. |D
The scene got way too happy.
IT's alright. ^^
The fanfic takes place on the island.
Once you and my editor look it over and I upload it on the forums, I'll credit you as a editor. ^^
Kay Ember - Today at 1:55 AM
How about them discussing plans for the coming day?
Like, what needs to be gathered, and what Jack's capabilities are
minespatch - Today at 1:57 AM
Sure thing!
Thanks for that, I'll add that to the editor notes. ^^


minespatch - Today at 3:11 PM
Sorry. XD
We can do the editing now if you're okay with that.
Ambarina - Today at 3:11 PM
sure!
minespatch - Today at 3:12 PM
Let me just load it up and we'll start. ^^
Im ready. ^^
Ambarina - Today at 3:23 PM
ok!
minespatch - Today at 3:24 PM
Okay, instead of lunging, how should I describe Wilson leaping or attacking Jack from the sky?
Ambarina - Today at 3:25 PM
mm.......falling?
"he leapt towards him"?
minespatch - Today at 3:26 PM
I went for Lunging but Leaping might work.
Ambarina - Today at 3:26 PM
ok
minespatch - Today at 3:27 PM
Jack's back arched in his stance, keeping a distance as the robber curled around the beard.

The soul robber is basially a living whip. So I figure the whip curled aroud the beard kind of like a chameleon hand grabbing.(edited)
Ambarina - Today at 3:28 PM
beard?
minespatch - Today at 3:28 PM
Wilson has a beard at this point in the fanfic. ><.(edited

Ambarina - Today at 3:41 PM
I didn't know the context so I assumed "the beard" meant something else. You could say "his beard".
minespatch - Today at 3:42 PM
Ahhh, sorry, I could link you to the previous two chapters?
Ambarina - Today at 3:43 PM
no, it's ok.
I don't think it's necessary, unless you want me to read your story
minespatch - Today at 3:44 PM
Oh, okay. Thanks for explaining.
Jack's back arched in his stance, keeping a distance as the robber curled around the stranger’s beard.

Better?
Ambarina - Today at 3:46 PM
yes, better.
hey, if you want me to read the full story, you could link it.
I mean, I make you read my stuff all the time.
minespatch - Today at 3:46 PM
Sure. ^^
https://forums.kleientertainment.com/topic/73985-skellington-on-the-island/
Klei Entertainment Forums
Skellington on the Island
Skellington on the Island Edited by: @Arlesienne Chapter 1: Voice of the radio Once upon a Halloween, the Halloween T...
My usual editor is at a sanitation facility so she's really busy right now. .
Ambarina - Today at 3:47 PM
ahhh ok
minespatch - Today at 3:47 PM
I feel bad but I'm glad she's getting help.
Thanks so much for the edits you've done so far. I wanted my fanfic to be accessible to tnbc, Don't Starve, and non fans so it'd be easy to read but still make sense to both series.
Ambarina - Today at 3:48 PM
you're welcome! Happy to help

minespatch - Today at 9:17 PM
want to help me finish the editing? ^^
Ambarina - Today at 9:17 PM
sure
minespatch - Today at 9:19 PM
Let me just load up what I've gotten so far.
"Wait, wait, wait- Don't move." Jack tried to reassure the man. The skeleton could see from closer inspection that this man wore a red vest with a white shirt rolled up by the sleeves. His arms right up to the fingers looked like they were scorched by he couldn't tell by the light. Especially the night was looming to Jack's concern. "We can't stay here. Here". He offered a hand to the red-vested stranger.

Alright, let' focus on the next thing you highlighted.
His arms right up to the fingers looked like they were scorched by he couldn't tell by the light.

Compared to the other characters in Don't Starve, Wilson's arms look black. So people speculate that they're sleeves, so I figured that maybe Jack couldn't tell due to the sky getting darker.
Ambarina - Today at 9:25 PM
sounds good
the syntax made it confusing
"by he couldn't tell by the light"?
minespatch - Today at 9:26 PM
Sorry. XD How would you improve it?
*but
That was my typo. ><
Ambarina - Today at 9:26 PM
ah, ok.
minespatch - Today at 9:27 PM
Thanks for highlighting it though. IT's why I need a editor before posting. ;u;
Ambarina - Today at 9:28 PM
no problem!
minespatch - Today at 9:30 PM
Especially the night was looming to Jack's concern.

I thought the chapter explained it but in the game, night can kill you. You need a light to keep alive or the shadows will bite or eat you.
I should probably explain it in chapter four since JAck is a audience surrogate but is there a way I can fix that?
Ambarina - Today at 9:31 PM
I understand that, but the grammar makes it a bit awkward.
I would write "Especially as the night was looming, to Jack's concern"
minespatch - Today at 9:31 PM
Ahhh, a subtle change helps a lot. ^^

minespatch - Today at 11:00 PM
Heyoo finally got the stuff I needed to copy from our edits.
Ambarina - Today at 11:02 PM
yaayy
minespatch - Today at 11:02 PM
it left the vested man only chance to take the hand and see if this was a safe solution.

Alright, what's wrong here?
Ambarina - Today at 11:03 PM
"it left the man's only chance" or "it left the man only one chance"?
minespatch - Today at 11:04 PM
Probably "man's".
I used vested due to it being descriptive..(edited)
Ambarina - Today at 11:05 PM
ah ok
I wan't sure of the intent
minespatch - Today at 11:06 PM
That's fine, it's good you highlighted.
JAck isn't wearing a vest and Wilson's name hasn't be revealed.
So yeah.
A New England accent left the vested man's voice. Gaining a step up with the helping pull from Jack.

So... Should I add "From Jack's hand"?
Ambarina - Today at 11:12 PM
sure
minespatch - Today at 11:21 PM
Sorry for the wait, nurse wanted my stuff off the ground.

Letting go of the stranger's hand.
What needs to be fixed?(edited)
Ambarina - Today at 11:22 PM
nothing, must have been a mistake of my part(edited)
minespatch - Today at 11:22 PM
Ah, alright.
"What... What exactly did you to me back there?"

What's wrong here?
Ambarina - Today at 11:24 PM
"did you to me back here"?
I feel there's a verb missing(edited)
minespatch - Today at 11:24 PM
Ohhh
DO
I forgot to add Do.
Ambarina - Today at 11:24 PM
important things we all forget

minespatch - Today at 11:26 PM
We got one last edit before I can finish it and get ready for illustrating.
Jack pricked his head up at Wilson's comment.
I usually like the phrase "pricking up" when a head is looking up.
Ambarina - Today at 11:27 PM
ahhh, I never heard it before
minespatch - Today at 11:28 PM
IT's alright. Pricking is like a jerk motion.
Not your fault for misunderstanding. Thanks for highlighting it though.

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First Draft

Final draft

Edited by minespatch
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minespatch    67,393

Edited by: Rilestashaum

Chapter 4: Mining among the Tallbirds
 

Two months passed since Jack was missing.

Sally moved back into Finklestine's home after her concern with her husband's disappearance. Despite Jewel, Finkelstine's replacement, taking over from Sally and her creator's displeasure of what they both went through, Finklestine had a similar concern of the Pumpkin King's disappearance. This was technically a truce between the two.

The room below Finklestine's laboratory was Sally's.  Settling in her old room, she began writing a letter with a look of despair on her face. Thoughts compelled in her mind as she wrote onto the paper. Just as much as Jack had confidence about new scaring techniques, Sally had another premonition on her mind. Her thoughts shrouded in a blurring shadow, misting an image of a strange gateway, with an eye above, was etched into her subconscious. To her concern, she wrote down her thoughts into a journal she grabbed from her miniature bookshelf.

Sally could only wonder if the gateway and Jack were connected. This wasn't the only time she had these premonitions so she had to be on her guard for whatever the future laid for her.

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Her head glanced out of the window to Jack's manor and sighed. Hope being her guide for this dire time in need.

Elsewhere...

It was Jack's second day on the island. Now that Wilson was with him, they had a greater chance to prepare for the future.

At Wilson's camp, Mr. Higgsbury explained the device, called a "science machine", to Jack and the rudimentary skills that can be made with such a thing. Yet Wilson explained they needed more tools that could only be made with a stronger machine called an "alchemy engine". In Jack's mind, he could somewhat see a blurry image of the  metallic contraption. Being a contrast from the cruder machine-made with stone and logs.

"We'll have to head to the quarry. If we're quiet enough, we can snatch some dinner. These rock fields are spread with Tallbirds." Wilson gripped his spear tight in hand. "You focus on finding gold and be my backup. We can test your green doohickey on them if we're in a tense situation."

Jack gave a confident nod, glancing at the constricting sentient sticky string. The confidence died down, as he still had no clue how to make it work. "You sure I can do this?" "Well... What did your doctor say about it?" "That he made it. We didn't go far in details." Jack slumped.

Sighing with a uneased smile, Wilson walked ahead. "Don't worry. Just keep your eyes ahead. Er... Socket- Holes? Eye-holes?" Now Wilson felt awkward, sucking his lips in, glancing at Jack before bumping into a gold boulder. Making Wilson squeak out in pain. Jack was a tad late to warn the scientist. "Sorry..."

"Ah, gold!" Wilson pulled a Pick-ax from his pocket eagerly. Jack did a double take at this. Wondering where the pick-axe came from, making some confused sounds in astonishment. Wilson turned his head. "Let's dig!" "Uh, right." Jack took a twig and flint and made his own. Assisting Wilson in the picking.

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Due to Jack being taller, he could see past the rock. Catching glimpses of empty nests in the distance. The skeleton held his tongue as he chiseled.

It only took a minute to chisel the boulder down to gold , rock, and flint. Despite the boulder's size, it only gave about four gold. "Not enough..." Wilson hummed. His eyes gawked at the empty nests as well. "One more boulder should do it." He walked toward the other gold boulder. "Keep watch." He told Jack.

Despite the instruction, Jack closed his sockets for a moment. Trying to get a handle of the soul robber. Wilson kept his picking at the boulder, noises getting louder while Jack tried concentrating on his weapon. The creature on his arm pulsating, awaiting for some kind of order in his mind.

Wilson sighed in his work as he finished. Such effort was causing his stomach to rumble quietly. They were going to need some berries, seeds, or rabbits soon. His head turned around to gape his mouth wide. "Jack!" Jack's eyes opened before feeling a talon jab harsh into his back.

Skellington was shoved harshly into the ground like some kind of sponge. Grunting in pain, trying to get a look at his clawed assailant, but his skull was pressed hard into ground.

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Spear in hand, Wilson charged at the tall bird. It's cyclopean visage giving a murderous stare. Beak widening with rage. His hunger also building up his courage. The tall bird paused, noticing Wilson approaching. Screeching with fury. Talons still tight on Jack. The bird was taking care of its territory.

"Kite this, you flightless pheasant!" Wilson did a jab at the talon, sticking it in as hard as he could. The tallbird had to let go in pain. It's leg aiming at Wilson in wrath. Jack rolled over to catch a moment of rest, but the moment was cut short. The leg coming down next to his arm, Jack rolling once more to get out of the way.

Higgsbury's spear reached higher up to get a better strike. Causing the bird to ignore Jack with it aggravation. Screeching in its frustration.

Jack took a moment to sit up. Looking at Wilson running away. Buying time for Skellington in their dire situation. Jack glanced at his wrist, noticing the Robber glowing violently. As though it was hungry for some violence. As if though he could gulp, Jack stood up and began his striding toward the bird in pursuit.

With a punch of his wrist, Jack aimed the Robber.

Like a extending snake, Jack thought he successfully aimed at the tallbird. Wilson's cry of pain spoke otherwise, showing his shoulder opening up with a bruise. Higgsbury had little time to get up and deal with the pain, just as much as there was no time for Skellington to apologize for his massive mistake.

Helplessly Wilson tried to kick and scoot backward on the floor quickly, staring at the massive bird cautiously. Jack hurried closer. Starting to understand the creature on his wrist.

Blindly Jack brought his soul robber out once more, aiming for the bird again. The green tendril stretching out greedily for prey.

Just like that...

It lasso'd the lithe legs of the tallbird, bringing the bird to a crashing halt. Wilson barely had the time to move out of the way, yelping more in shock at Jack's victory.

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With a flick of his wrist, Jack swung the tallbird into the air and swung it into another bolder. Doing it three times until the feathered fiend was unconscious. The skeleton was rather frustrated internally at his own actions, yet it had to be done.

Slowly Wilson stood up. Groaning in pain as he approached Jack. "Jack... You needed more time to control that... Thing! I got hurt." He glanced away in frustration. The spear holding hand also trying to hold his arm. "I understand your intentions. Honestly, I do, but we need to figure out this Robber together. Please."

Cringing at Wilson's concern, Jack sheepishly nodded. "I got too ahead of myself. I really wanted to try this out. Sorry." He timidly scratched his cheek, feeling the weight of the situation on both of their shoulders. "Well, this is dinner, right?" Jack hadn't cued the Robber to let go of the Tallbird. Which Wilson humored a smile, nodding to his friend. "A fine exchange, indeed."

Without mercy, Higgsbury stabbed the bird quickly, ending its misery. Jack should have just figured this was just hunting a animal, but seeing Wilson's face left him conflicted. He shook his head and put on a smile. "Should we head back to camp?" "Yes. The gold mining has left me richly famished. Unlike back home, this world forces my stomach to feed as soon as possible."

Jack pondered on the statement. Placing a finger on his bottom lip in thought. He gave a hum for a moment. "Odd.  I can drink and eat, but the island isn't causing me to feel the same." There was a feeling of envy in Wilson, making him glance away. "Let's just get back to camp. Maybe we'll finally get that monster on your wrist to unwind." Jack nodded, picking up the bird and bringing it over his shoulder.

The tall skeleton turned his head while Wilson headed back. He noticed a blue egg with white speckles. Seeing it in the nest, Jack figured the creature on his shoulder must have been the mother. More guilt crawled into his mind.

Wilson's words echoed from earlier. Especially how the Island had a mind of its own. Slight pain started to tap in his mind. Jack grimaced and took the egg as well. Hurrying back to the campfire as the afternoon was darkening.

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Time moved quickly in this world... How would Jack keep up with both Wilson and the clock in the sky?

To be continued...

editor notes:

https://forums.kleientertainment.com/profile/848109-minespatch/?status=26073&type=status

https://forums.kleientertainment.com/profile/848109-minespatch/?status=26259&type=status

Sketches for illustrations

Spoiler

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minespatch    67,393

Chapter 4: A scientist foxhunt

Back at the campfire, Jack and Wilson took in the events  that were at the rock quarry. The scientist's eyes glanced at the location in the distance, frustrated with how it consumed their day. Time runs quickly in this world, they would have to strategize how to balance their resource crafting.

Clueless, Jack was staring at his prize of the day: A tallbird egg.

Higgsbury did a double-take. Blinking at what luck. "What a find! Food-" "No. Not now." Jack brought a hand to Wilson in pause. Keeping the egg away. "I think it's heavy. Might be alive." "Good enough for me to eat! Let's cook the thing already." He frowned. Skellington sighed. "Didn't you hoard that long legged bird in your... Pocket?" The skull rose a brow of his socket. Still getting used to the weirdness of the world.

Wilson guiltily pouted. Pupils shifting and pulling the tallbird out of his pants pocket. "Yes..." He almost sounded like a child with his tone. Jack turned his back from Wilson. Revealing the intense claw marks from the previous battle. The scientist gulped with further guilt.

"Jack... I-" He cooked the tallbird in the firepit as he  sighed. Being near the science machine, it let Wilson think up recipes, already picturing the alchemy machine. Reminding him of why they needed to mine gold in the first place. "We need to get that second machine done." Jack turned his head, nodding. "We are. Yet the shadows are trapping us for the night. Let's take this moment to relax."

Easy for you to say, Wilson narrowed his eyes in thought. Wondering if Jack could even eat. He nibbled on his cooked tallbird in frustration. Actually remembering the things he could do when he worked alone. Now someone was telling him to pause in this living death-trap of a world? Not on Wilson's watch.

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After some shaving off his beard for some later necessities, the scientist eyed at the egg some more. Noticing the blue shade was turning red. "Er-" "How fascinating! The egg is having a reaction to the fire!" Jack beamed. Giving this moment to have a little experiment of his own. Though the egg was turning redder that Jack was expecting.

As steam was raising from the top, Jack moved the egg from the warmth of the fire. The blue shade returning. Wilson rubbed his chin in interest. "Never tackled with those bird eggs before. I'll... Let you keep the egg." He pouted in frustration. Internal conflicts of research and survival trivializing his kinship with Jack.

Skellington gave a enthusiastic grin, pulling and motioning the egg back and forth from the fire. Seeing its color change brought a childlike interest out of his  mind.

Such happiness died.
Wilson could hear barking.
"Do you hear that?"

Jack paused his scientific study, turning to Wilson with a clueless look. His head pricked upward. The Skellington sitting upward to hear the noise getting closer. Getting up, Higgsbury clenched his fist. Quickly making a torch. "We have to leave camp." Nodding, Skellington was ready to follow Wilson.

In their haste, the egg was left behind. The barking getting even closer.

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With the dark acting like a vicious maw of hunger, Wilson blindly headed to the shoreline. Jack could only follow. All he had were the items he mined such as gold, rock, flint, and nitre. He already wasted the grass and twigs he picked up on his first day.

Yet... As Wilson ran on ahead, speak of the devil, Jack found some grass among their running from the barking. He tried to pick some up but Wilson gripped his wrist. "Not right now! Torches can only burn for so long!" Wilson's pupils went tiny with stress. Jack could almost see a circle with a image of a brain in Wilson's eye. Such imagery irked him, but he nodded to Higgsbury's warning. "We've got to move. Hounds will never stop chasing!"

"H-hounds?" Jack turned his head into the darkness. Hearing the barking but unable to see.

"If only it was day!" Wilson ran toward the shore in succession.

Jack almost lagging behind in worry. The night in Halloween town was way more comforting than this living hell presented. The first night was surprisingly chilly, yet this second night had Jack feel acclimated towards it.

There were teeth snapping at Jack's ankle. His skull turned around to see the hound's eyes reflecting in Wilson's torchlight. Like a donkey, Jack tried to back-kick the hound. Yet it did no good.

Though to Wilson's fortune, the shoreline was in their reach: He could mentally map out more of their location. They both had to get the two or three hounds off their trail, with some experience, Wilson had a few strategies in mind.

A swamp?
The beefalo...?

The swamps would be handy right now. Wilson couldn't exactly be given the benefit of time to explain as he hurried down the shore. Jack blindly followed on, eyes or none.

Higgsbury theorized that these hounds were a device made by the island(he didn't know if this place was a creation of the swallowtail suited man or not), something to keep him hurried. Peace was a luxury as far  as he knew these past fifteen days for his stay.

Before they knew it, Jack and Wilson could see light. A  blessing in the chase as they hurried on. Now Wilson just needed to find a animal to fight them back.

The scientist kept searching. Meadow and forest biomes blended in their hurry. The running was also making Wilson crave. He could hear his stomach gurgle despite the barking getting louder. The second hound running past Jack to ramp up at Higgsbury's heels.

Skellington gawked at the bundles of silky eggs around them in the forest. Taking notice of them more than Wilson was in his fretting.

Spider territory.

Wilson could feel his feet slowing down on webbing. Yet he persisted. The spiders were alarmed by the web movement, now adding to the chase.

First hounds, now spiders, what more "pleasantries" could be added to their day?

Jack felt like this chase was never going to end. Gritting his teeth in a similar sentiment to his friend.  He knew dogs liked bones, but this was ridiculous.

The ground was getting soggier at their feet. Wilson sighed with relief in his hurry. His first strategy was coming to fruition. "We're almost out of their grasp!" "How?!" Jack helplessly shouted. Unable to see the big picture.

Wilson noticed a patch of ground moving. Making the scientist smirk. "We're in the swamps, Jack! With Swamps  come-"

A tentacle sprang out. Whipping the area defensively. For once in his life, Wilson was happy to see these.

Jack stepped aside as the hounds snapped at the tentacles absentmindedly. Both men gawking at the stupid sight.

As the hounds died, Jack and Wilson had a laugh of relief. Finding such suicidal stupidity hilarious. Kneeling down, Wilson sighed and took a breather.

"How did you know...?" Jack stared at Higgsbury in disbelief. Sitting on the soft floor, Wilson gave a relaxed smirk. "I've been exploring this island for a few days before you have. came across the hounds on my fourth day on here. My first time I shook them off was by some ox-like creatures called 'beefalo'. I've been to these swamps before about..." Wilson counted his eight fingers. "Five days ago. My mind can remember bits and pieces of this island. Well... Since we're here, we should get some more resources. We better get that monster meat before the merms do."

Those last two keywords left Jack staring at Wilson absentmindedly. "Monster meat?" Higgsbury pointed at the  massacre of items left from the tentacle fight.

Awing at the items of meat and teeth, Jack picked them up. Wilson gave a thumbs up. "Once I heat it up, the meat can fill me up but the side effects..." The scientist winced in the memory of the last time he ate it. "Still, times a wasting, hounds chewed up three hours." Jack nodded. Noticing green mushroom heads slightly popping from the ground. Wilson brought a hand to Jack's arm. "We're going to need a shovel for that unfortunately." He gave a pitying smile to the skeleton.

They both sighed dejectedly. Looking ahead at the thorny trees and buildings that looked like crooked outhouses.

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They had a long journey ahead of them.

 

To be continued...

Sketches for illustrations

Spoiler

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Edited by minespatch

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