Mobbstar Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 2 hours ago, DragonMage156 said: Blaster Snack: waka waka waka ^_^ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 8, 2017 Author Share Posted July 8, 2017 Eyy. Idk if I told you guys but a few days ago I got an idea for how to start Red's backstory and I just quickly whipped something up now (yes, that means you have to read this instead of the usual visual you just have to glance at). I would have drawn a picture but... y'know, this is a draft and I only wrote it now so... Ria’s Anthro Origins It was a warm sunny morning on the country side. The wind blew gently, caressing the fur of a figure standing by. He looked up at a lone tree with a nostalgic look in his eyes. Many different feelings surfaced as memories started replaying in his mind. His gaze lowered and set on what looked like a burrow, long since abandoned. The figure walked up by the tree, feeling the bark on his paws as he looked around his old home… and his first real home. He walked around the tree and came across a small tattered fort. “Oh… it’s still here” he said, a smile on his face. It’s too small for him now but he remembered the days when it was a perfect size. “I remember those days…” he looked up at the sky as his mind flashed back… right at the very beginning. --- Any feedback is appreciated and remember: I draw way better than I write ^^; 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minespatch Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 Story feels incomplete. Maybe writing the title as a chapter would help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mobbstar Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 (edited) 1 hour ago, DragonMage156 said: Any feedback is appreciated cracks knuckles ho boi here we go "He looked...", "His gaze...", "He walked", "The figure..."; you start too many sentences with him. "He remembered...", "I remember..."; again, you repeat yourself. Repeating phrases in a lyrical way is very difficult, only experienced poets can properly apply this technique to put emphasis on something without annoying the reader. "it was a perfect size"; just a little nitpick: either "a perfect fit" or "of/at perfect size", I think. Why did you start off by describing the scene and feelings with lots of adjectives, only to then tell the happenings in a cold, factual way without adjectives at all? Noice Voicabulary! The title needs fixing. At least the reader knows what to expect, I suppose... Okay, I will leave it at that for now. *vanishes behind cloak* Edited July 8, 2017 by Mobbstar grammar 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geni0529 Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 (edited) I'd give you some feed back but Mobb beat me to it (plus I could never give that good of feedback honestly). I would just say that if you ever write something a little longer with more dialogue try to steer a bit away from the word said, make sure not to use it too many times in a row. Edited July 8, 2017 by geni0529 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 8, 2017 Author Share Posted July 8, 2017 2 hours ago, minespatch said: Story feels incomplete. Maybe writing the title as a chapter would help. 1 hour ago, Mobbstar said: cracks knuckles ho boi here we go "He looked...", "His gaze...", "He walked", "The figure..."; you start too many sentences with him. "He remembered...", "I remember..."; again, you repeat yourself. Repeating phrases in a lyrical way is very difficult, only experienced poets can properly apply this technique to put emphasis on something without annoying the reader. "it was a perfect size"; just a little nitpick: either "a perfect fit" or "of/at perfect size", I think. Why did you start off by describing the scene and feelings with lots of adjectives, only to then tell the happenings in a cold, factual way without adjectives at all? Noice Voicabulary! The title needs fixing. At least the reader knows what to expect, I suppose... Okay, I will leave it at that for now. *vanishes behind cloak* 7 minutes ago, geni0529 said: I'd give you some feed back but Mobb beat me to it (plus I could never give that good of feedback honestly). I would just say that if you ever write something a little longer with more dialogue try to steer a bit away from the word said, make sure not to use it too many times in a row. Thanks guys. Like I said, I'm better with comics than written stories trial and error I suppose. I could always ask my mum for help. She's pretty good at writing. Title: Woops. I was supposed to give it a sub-title labeling it as Red's backstory in some way. Repeated phrases and sentence starters: I've always been bad with that. Luckily this is a rough draft. Though I should have proof-read it before posting since one of them could have been avoided ^^; "Perfect size": I think I was thinking of alternate ways to express that part. Again, could have been avoided. Lack of adjectives: I'm bad with describing scenes, despite the good start. 5. Thanks ^_^ Well I'll try to improve and get more peoples opinion to improve it further. Alternatively, I could turn this into a comic but I don't wanna abandon Fallen Down like I did with Wilson meets Red 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mobbstar Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 1 hour ago, DragonMage156 said: I should have proof-read it You didn't proof-read, nor let anyone else proof-read? (Assuming this weren't proof-reading, of course.) That certainly explains the quantity of little nitpicks I found. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Share Posted July 9, 2017 9 hours ago, Mobbstar said: You didn't proof-read, nor let anyone else proof-read? (Assuming this weren't proof-reading, of course.) That certainly explains the quantity of little nitpicks I found. I haven't written anything in a while as you can probably tell XD the fact that I don't even proof read my posts everytime says a lot too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minespatch Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Do you have any family members who can read your work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Share Posted July 9, 2017 18 minutes ago, minespatch said: Do you have any family members who can read your work? My mum can. She's really good at writing and has a wide vocabulary 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Share Posted July 9, 2017 I'm considering writing Red's backstory in 1st person (Red's POV) but at the same time I think I should write it in 3rd person since the story is centered around Red and Fluffy and later moves onto a different character entirely. I just want to get an opinion on whether it's the best way to go or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minespatch Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Point of view might work to move the story organically. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 11, 2017 Author Share Posted July 11, 2017 Changed the poll since no one else voted on the last one (thanks @minespatch and @Pyromailmann, I'll take your answers into account). Now I hope this new poll interests you guys more. After it's done, I'll probably replace it with something else. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 Remember when I mentioned Space Boy? No? Well I made an anime Rinmaru version of them (Still wish the hair style where better :/ ) Good thing I'm drawing these characters 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starthefox Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I like the idea of a salamander charater. Just a tip on scales tho, for your art style a few patches of scales here and there instead of all over the body can make the salamander look more clean, and less crowded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mobbstar Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I opt for Rico as in Gecko, eventhough salamanders are actually amphibians and not reptiles and thus about as related to geckos as to crocodiles or tortoises. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 8 hours ago, Starthefox said: I like the idea of a salamander charater. Just a tip on scales tho, for your art style a few patches of scales here and there instead of all over the body can make the salamander look more clean, and less crowded. Well the toy he's based off has a few patches on the back. Should I remove those? 6 hours ago, Mobbstar said: I opt for Rico as in Gecko, eventhough salamanders are actually amphibians and not reptiles and thus about as related to geckos as to crocodiles or tortoises. Ah Rico does sound like a good name... but would it fit or make sense? Just so you know, the salamander is Otto's crazy friend 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starthefox Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 On 7/16/2017 at 7:14 AM, DragonMage156 said: Well the toy he's based off has a few patches on the back. Should I remove those? Nah, that should be fine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 9 hours ago, Starthefox said: Nah, that should be fine I'll take some rl pictures later so you can see what he looks like. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 On 7/18/2017 at 11:41 AM, DragonMage156 said: I'll take some rl pictures later so you can see what he looks like. Aw I forgot to do this... OH WELL! Remembered when I started a status update about Space Boy? Well I don't care if you didn't, I'm posting this shipping trash anyway XD Amiver - Space Boy (Oliver and Amy) : Yes I ship these two ^^; And a bit of Augmented Reality (it's a technology that exists where you wear these glasses and things are generated into your vision. It's better with the Mage Mod ) Finally, my persona can finally be brought to life! ^_^ (... kinda). I recommend giving Space Boy a read. You will not be disappointed (and be able to understand half of what I'm rambling on about XD) http://www.webtoons.com/en/drama/space-boy/list?title_no=400 Oh yeah, the comic ^^; Fallen Down Part 2 (2 of 2): The Rescue Colourful 0u0 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minespatch Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 You put a lot of effort into these. Congrats, Ria. Keep doing what you love. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starthefox Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 I think the "Oliver being a robot" subplot was kinda obvious from the beginning kek but I like the fanart so far. The comic is pretty cute too^^ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mobbstar Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 8 hours ago, DragonMage156 said: Fallen Down Part 2 (2 of 2): The Rescue Isn't that literally the actual scene but with Ori instead of the fallen child? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 13 hours ago, Mobbstar said: Isn't that literally the actual scene but with Ori instead of the fallen child? Yeah, for a while the dialogue's gonna remain around the same, except a few changes. For example, Ori's not a human so obviously some dialogue will have to be changed For now though, I gotta finish all those DS, ONI and OC drawings I did in the process XD 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonMage156 Posted August 8, 2017 Author Share Posted August 8, 2017 The original version of that Spore potato cup things I posted a while ago. And now for some Rakuen fanart - Bufkus: P-Dog: (These would make more sense if you've played the game). Ori meets a Leeble: I can't help but point out how similar they are Puchi: Cos who doesn't like a winged dog ^_^ Oh yah, and some OC shipping: Kinda based it off a screenshot from Tangled (from memory). "That look he gives you" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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