HoneyHam Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Anyone figured out who's on the nightmare throne/who 'Lord H' is? I at least have a good guess and I think it's kinda obvious.Whodoya think it is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sporb Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Whodoya think it is? Well I'm reluctant to give it away if I'm really the only person to guess it. So I'll just say this much for now: I'm pretty sure he ain't a forumer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidneyBeanBoy Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Well I'm reluctant to give it away if I'm really the only person to guess it. So I'll just say this much for now: I'm pretty sure he ain't a forumer.*gasp* Lord Helioptile? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRENTOMINOUS Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 That's my job, mateThat's my line, mate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyHam Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Well I'm reluctant to give it away if I'm really the only person to guess it. So I'll just say this much for now: I'm pretty sure he ain't a forumer.tell me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidneyBeanBoy Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 tell meHint: his name rhymes with pewdiepie's name. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crapplejacks Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I just read the biggest derail/ rerailment of my life. Cool. I love the stories Battal, keep 'em coming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spinorex Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 To give an actual criticism on the latest segment is this: If its purpose was to scare me or inflict even slight disturbance in me, then it failed in that regard. It did, however, serve purpose, even if the intended purpose was not fulfilled. It showed that this man, that is continually confronting Battal and the rest of the group, is showing up even as Battal sleeps and will not leave his mind for whatever reason. Whether he was the cause of the swarm of spiders in Battal's implied nightmare, is unknown but seems heavily implied by the writing. The cliffhanger did work as it begs the repeated question of "who is this man?", "what is he doing here?", and "Is he even real?(In dream and out)", and it makes me want to find out the answers to these questions by reading the next addition to the story. it was good for a first try at a genre you have not attempted before, even if you did not succeed in its purpose. I can't wait for the next segment, whenever it comes out, and I have to applaud you @Lord_Battal for this fantastic thread that keep me and others coming back in the hopes for new segments of the story. If you think I wrote this review because I want to get on good terms with Battal so I can get in the story, that is a complete fabrication of the highest offense.(mostly) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battal Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 [stuff] This. I've been wanting some actual constructive criticism for a while now, and while your compliments and likes have kept me going, I think this has been the most helpful reply on this thread so far. Thank you Spinorex. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battal Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Segment Nineteen"The Ruined Pass" Battal shouted as he shot out of bed, the feeling of the chewing insects still tingling on his skin. He groaned, looking around. The sun was peeking out from the horizon, and the world seemed about as normal as it could be. It had been a dream, albeit a vivid and unsettling one, but already the finer details were slipping out of his mind. He could not, however, wipe the image of the faceless man standing over him, no matter how hard he tried to forget. Jakob prepared some breakfast for himself, the sizzling of the cooking food awakening the other group members one by one. Though he considered it, Battal decided against telling the group about his dream, pegging it down as the simple imaginings of a mind that was taking a mental beating. Once his compatriots had eaten their food, they gathered their supplies and set off again, rejuvenated and ready for the next bit of walking. The road led them onwards, and finally, they reached the mountains. Sheer rock walls rose up all before them, stretching on for what seemed like miles. The cobblestones went through a thin pass in the mountains, a way dark and foreboding. There was no way around or over the snowy peaks, so they took the only option left. They went through them. The pass slowly widened out, and more signs of humanity appeared. Stone walls, ruined and cracked by time. Musty torches, long burned out. Small, decrepit buildings. They entered through a large gate that spanned the pass, and entered into a massive ravine. The city within was enough to make the group's jaws drop in amazement. Massive stone towers. Once-beautiful houses. Platforms and bridges everywhere. It was an incredible work of art and architecture. However, the place gave Battal bad vibes. There were too many places to stage an ambush. The group continued on the cobblestone path, Battal looking about nervously with everyone else looked in wonder. Without warning, a howl rang out from somewhere in the ruined halls, followed by a lot of quieter barking. The Debul immediately whipped out his shortsword, and everyone was shaken out of their stupor. "It's a trap!" Blewcheese yelled, pulling out his launcher. "Get up to high ground-" A massive wolf, covered in dark brown fur, stalked out from the shadows, razor-sharp teeth barred in anger. The hair on its back bristled as it walked towards the group, who slowly backed away in worry. Without warning, the creature pounced. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidneyBeanBoy Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) I have a slight feeling that was where I would have popped up hadn't I mistakenly started a large derail that spammed your notifications box. Amazing setting, nevertheless. Edited April 21, 2014 by KidneyBeanBoy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spinorex Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) I have a slight feeling that was where I would have popped up hadn't I started a large derail that spammed your notifications box. Nice setting, nevertheless.I think all who participated in that event feel exactly the same. Probably. The ending to this one felt a little cut short though; not necessarily the segment, but the ending itself felt like it came to a sudden stop. Very descriptive on the setting, which is a nice touch. Edited April 21, 2014 by Spinorex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battal Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 I think all who participated in that event feel exactly the same. Probably. The ending to this one felt a little cut short though; not necessarily the segment, but the ending itself felt like it came to a sudden stop. Very descriptive on the setting, which is a nice touch. Admittedly, I got writer's block halfway through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 One criticism I have, although you may already have a plan ahead, is that the individual characters except for you, Blewcheese, and Pecival kind of feel like they are just there. They get a little entrance mention, and then they are turned into faceless shapes with names taped to their foreheads. I feel as though perhaps some mention of the little quirks they have, or maybe them using their abilities more often is due. Other than that, this is some very good story telling. It feels a little humbling that I'm not the only one who can make a story out of grouping a bunch of forumers together. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoffeeBoo Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 You're not getting added to the story at all. >: DLurdBettel Pls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spinorex Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 LurdBettel PlsWell, I can see where this is going. *Leaves so he doesn't get involved Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Strangerdanger101 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm not in the mood to like posts right now, as DS is unplayable atm due to instant crashes whenever it tries to save. (This includes save and quit) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidneyBeanBoy Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Well, I can see where this is going. *Leaves so he doesn't get involvedI too shall leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hugos10 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) I too shall leave. I too shall leave, avoiding Spin as much as possible. Edited April 21, 2014 by Hugos10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Percival Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 DAMN CONSEQUENCES OF INTERNET AND JET LAG! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DwerBomb Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 "It's a trap!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyHam Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Strangerdanger101 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Gah, possible derailing alert. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I feel as if they direction you guys are taking this, Battal is going to close the thread for derailing. I'd appreciate if you guys didn't have that happen, because some of us really care about the story and not your over used Star Wars references. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Battal Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Yeah. I will start reporting, and will also kill you off in the story. Stop derailing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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